annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday Monday

1. My legs are getting worse really quickly. Scary, especially in light of the current state of the NHS. I have a GP appointment on Thursday of next week for my mental health annual review and I usually add in all my little physical ailments but I wonder if I should try and see someone about this a bit sooner. Although, at yoga today the teacher said something about holding tension and at once I thought, this is me, that's what I'm doing. I'm either crying or my legs hurt and it's not really surprising but I don't like it. I don't know what to do about it either - anyone have any suggestions? I could take painkillers, I suppose, but not enough, not all day every day. I could stop the walking - no, I couldn't, not now I have Shirley. I could see if I can find cheap/free massage or hypnotherapy, or something - ach, I need to get back to the meditation, don't I? I let that slip away. Be here, sit with it, no matter how painful. It is what it is. Bah.


2. That dog was a nightmare this morning. Bloke went off to work early, before I was up, and he just opened my bedroom door to let Shirley in and to tell me she'd been out for a wee. We both fell back to sleep, me and my little dog, then I woke up and went about my business and she slept on. About an hour before I was due to leave for yoga I thought I'd take her for a walk, but she would absolutely not let me catch her and thought it was a great game to hide under the bed, emerging from the opposite side to me again and again. I intermitted leaving her alone and having another go before in the end I had to leave, but by then the bloody dog hadn't been out for hours and now I was leaving her indoors for another four hours or so, as I wanted to visit ED and I'm fucked if I'm letting an arsey dog stop me from visiting my daughter. I was cross though, very cross, and anxious about her pissing or shitting indoors, though she didn't. It's my own fault for not persevering with the recall training, but man, I am so tired. Tomorrow. I will buy a piece of chicken to cut up and use as treat.


3. When I was at the care home one of the other residents had a massive seizure in the lounge where we were all sitting. I've been remarkably lucky to have never seen this before as I know she has several every day - she has one to one care because of this and is never left alone even for a moment for her worker to answer the door - but it was shocking to me. So violent, so really fucking violent, and the staff were calm and purposeful and kindly, speaking to her with soothing voices, falling into the routine of dealing with it, awful. I took my girl outside in the rain and cried my way down the road. I never see anyone else my age crying - it can't be just me though, surely? I know it's not, but sometimes it feels like it.


4. I got a new TV thing so I can watch the painting programmes without giving money to murdoch and watched the first episode of a landscape painting series. Fabulous, made me want to go and paint the power station on the edge of the harbour. Maybe I will, but probably not in February.


5. I'm having my hair cut tomorrow morning (unless I chicken out), the first time a hairdresser has been near it since October 2014. I think. When I hacked it all off with a kitchen knife in a fit of fuckedupness Yikes.

xx

11:58 p.m. - 19.02.18

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next