annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



  1. I've gone straight to anger about Poolie dying, all kinds of furious thoughts jumping around in my head, but I won't commit them to the internet until I'm less likely to be irrational. But fuck, just fuck.

  2. Yesterday I went with an internet pal I'd never met before to the beach where all the local sea glass washes up.A4894EA7-909B-4A79-8697-4DC830CCE0AF We got along pretty well, both into knitting and walking dogs as well as picking up litter and weird stuff5809A434-EA41-43D1-8DC4-6758CC5A17DB Look at the size of some of that sea glass! And I loved the rusty curly bit of metal.

  3. It was also good to visit the woman from the recovery group in the afternoon - all of this was before I knew that Paula had died - and be with someone I like, want to know better, and who had very low expectations of any social skills from me. She lives on top of the hill where a bridge over the bypass begins, so I thought I'd walk across it before driving off, to enjoy the view. I got less than half way over and had a total panic attack - it felt so insecure, my heart was pounding, rushing in my ears, dizzy, and I knew it would all collapse under my weight. But I couldn't turn round. It felt like walking a tightrope, as if I had to keep walking straight ahead without stopping or - well, there was no imagining the alternative, I just had to keep walking. And then I was on the other side of the fucking bridge, on my own, panting and crying and feeling like a grade A cunt, contemplating calling Bloke and asking him to come and fetch me and drive me back to my car. But I kept on walking, along the ridge, overlooking the river, the sunset, the bypass... and breathe, in and out... and knowing that I could call Bloke if I couldn't manage it, I crept back across and even took a photo in the middle:

42779AEC-4D83-4ABE-8F26-43ED81A4CF1F so there were good things and bad things there. I haven't had a panic like that for ages, awful, awful. But I did talk myself back. I think a massive part of it was knowing I had a choice so I could do a step at a time, taking the pressure off. And I knew that I'd already done two brave things that day (socialising) and that I knew Paula would be leaving us soon, very soon, and it was high and windy and noisy, so to not give myself too much of a hard time.

4. Today I went to an exhibition in the library of photos from a facebook page I'm on and met the photographer and artist who founded the page, and fucking chatted to them! Go me, I am Mrs Chit Chat, talk to anyone. I told the woman I had sold paintings in the mental health recovery centre, as part of the artists' open houses in the festival. Part boasty, part getting the mental health out there so I don't have to pretend to be normal. She was really cool. Then I walked along the beach as the sun went down and the starlings did their thing. They've swapped piers so now you can get closer, a bit immersive:FCB6D9BA-5A00-4ED7-9535-B9B78947D706

5.Trump can fuck right off with his stupid comments about our health service.

I am grateful for: my physical health; my phone's camera; the internet for bringing far off people so close into my life that I'm devastated when they die; art group tomorrow (shit, I forgot the hospice carers' art group again today); having strategies to deal with panic and to understand why and all that

Night night xxx

12:18 a.m. - 06.02.18


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

Jan 21st - 22.01.20
Jan 20th - 20.01.20
Jan19th - 20.01.20
Jan 18th - 19.01.20
Jan 16th - 17.01.20

other diaries:


Site Meter