annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



I think I'm going to try and write five paragraphs every day, mostly to try and keep some account of how I do through these hard times and how much help or hindrance it is to work my self care plan. If I knew how, I'd do a page that sets the plan out, with circles and arrows and that, in case any one might be interested, but I don't know how and I'm too tired, so bollocks to that for now.

  1. Yesterday I had a day out with Younger Daughter, which was just fucking blissful, for me at least. We went to see an exhibition of Kaffe Fasset's textiles in a National Trust ex-priory, about sixty miles away. The photos I took of the work are crap - he's all about the colour and you can't get that with a phone, indoors, in January, but this kind of thing:

  2. IMG_5046

My girl:


and this:IMG_5072

It was so reassuring to spend time together and find that we can still enjoy each other's company and talk and be honest about difficult shit and laugh together. I feel immensely better for it, like miles and miles better than I did on Friday. Yay.

2. That's one of the things, or two of the things I want to start including regularly - social stuff and maybe being a bit of risk-taking. I can be OK at seeing people, but I can also let it slide and that's no good. I need to have at least one proper, real life interaction a week, with a friend or family member, not just online and not just other service users. It can be risky - making phone calls to arrange things and not climbing the walls with imaginary shit if people say they can't, but this is my plan. I'm getting the exercise and the creativity components down, but I do need to socialise. I've never been as isolated as I feel now - almost no one visits, or drops in from one week to the next and I've never lived like that before. Part of it is age - we're old fucks now and so are our friends and that comes with the territory to some extent, but I need chat and giggles and people who 'get' me and, well, women basically.

3. The other day when I visited ED, the care worker put her in her white fleecy fluffy sweater, that matches my new coat. "Like mother, like daughter!" she said, and ED grinned from ear to ear. Ah man, she hasn't given such a clear response to anything for weeks and weeks. Good times. Today Bloke came with me and we took her and the dog all round town then onto the pier


She was smiley, in her usual vague way, but cool. I never thought I'd be able to take comfort from such tiny things, but it's been over four years now, since the MS took her so far down, and in the end you do just get used to it. The thing that really stirs me up is when someone posts a story about a cure for MS, none of which are ever true, but if I let myself imagine her being cured and coming back to us, I can't escape how much she and we have lost. But hey ho, she's still alive and smiles sometimes, which is better than it could be.

4. I half made a batch of marmalade this afternoon, it being Seville orange season - they're really bitter and go well with the amount of sugar needed to make it set, but are only available for a few weeks in January/February. I did the first part - juicing, picking out the pips, tying them in muslin, shredding the peel (in the food processor), adding water and simmering for two hours till much reduced and very soft. I didn't finish it because I couldn't be arsed to clean the jars. I haven't been saving jars so all I have are big kilner jars, currently full of manky kefir, or ancient rolled oats or whatever, so needing thorough washing then sterilising in the oven.. Tomorrow I will do all that and reboil the fruit with a load of sugar till it reaches setting point and that will be that. Job done.

5. Shirley and Bob are getting almost friendly:


Shirley was eating her dinner with Bob sitting nearby as if they were old pals. Not bad for four and a half months. I want to see them lying next to each other in front of the fire - though that may be a touch optimistic.

I am grateful for: family; beach; getting the hang of the gym today; my bed; the house smelling of oranges

Laters xxx

12:23 a.m. - 15.01.18


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