annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Tuesday Night
Day two of 2018 and I'm still here. Woo bloody hoo.
I want to write an honest blog, so that when I read it back in years to come it describes how it really was, rather than some old bollocks I thought would interest/impress/amuse anyone who happened upon it, but that's tricky at times. When everything's shit, I'm not sure it helps to write it down, to articulate it, give it shape and form and definition. Maybe it's better to let it stay nebulous, a mere sensation that can drift away... But I don't like that either. I don't like not writing. I haven't been able to write fiction since I had my second big breakdown and I don't have the focus to think or research to write about anything else, which leaves blethering on about shit that happens, so here we are.
It's almost midnight and blowing up a storm. So windy that they've given it a name - Storm Eleanor. It makes me glad not to be living on the riverbank any more. One of my friends on the houseboats has just posted on facebook that it's wild and windy and her big lampshade is swinging about - reminding me of when we lived there and D suddenly banged on my door in the middle of a storm, thrusting a bundle into my arms - take care of him, I have to tie the boat down, it's coming away from its moorings - she'd given birth the day before and I hadn't known... he's almost 23 now so that was a while ago...
Today was hard, there's no use avoiding it, it was. It took me a long time to get going as I was so sad about my brother. His 60th birthday and it seems unlikely he'll see another one, though to be fair, we thought Elder Daughter wouldn't see her 39th birthday, let alone Christmas, but here she still is, so you never know. Mad to hope though, mad.
So I dithered around in my nightie till almost midday, making phone calls to wheelchair people and finance firms and all that kind of housekeeping shit, then took the dog out in the pouring rain yet again and spent far too long picking bits of litter out of the hedge round the recreation ground
But I did find a monkey wrench and some silver fir cones, so not all bad. Shirley (the dog) was most indignant about our crappy little walk, but unlucky.
I find I don't want to write about visiting my brother any more than I wanted to visit him. I mean, I did want to visit him, but the him that used to be, the funny, opinionated, argumentative, a bit smug, sometimes patronising, but always interesting person that he used to be and who is fading away now. Awful. I don't know how to deal with his silence any more than I do with ED's. So I chat to his wife about the dogs - they got one earlier this year which is what prompted me to actually get one rather than just talk about it - which is shite, but what else can we do? Bro and I had big tight hugs when I arrived and when I left and he held the card I gave him to his heart - I didn't like to tell him I'd forgotten what I'd written in it. On we go though, on we go.
I came home to find Bloke being really fucking annoying - he has a flu virus and won't acknowledge it, just droops about the place saying he's fine, fucking up his work (IT shit) as he can't concentrate, refusing to take any medicine and generally pissing me off by not looking after himself at all, when my head is too full of proper poorly people to have any sympathy for fucking martyrs.
So I stomped off with the dog, off into the unexplored depths of the hideous estate where we live, mile after mile of cheap, nasty bungalows, on and on and on. She kept nipping at my heels, that dog, and I don't know how to deal with it at all. I stop walking, shorten the lead and hold her at arm's length so she can't reach my legs, until she seems to have settled down, but it makes no difference - she's just as likely to do it again as soon as we start walking. Or not - sometimes she won't do it for days. Some experts recommend yelping to show pain, or barking at her, or yelling, but none of it has any impact. Bloody dog - whose idea was it to get a dog?
Today I am grateful for: my own physical health; having an annoying little dog to walk; having a car to drive over to my brother's in; my sister-in-law for being such a good woman; pie for dinner and sticky toffee pudding too
Sleep tight xxx
12:34 a.m. - 03.01.18
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