annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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So. Farewell then 2017

I'm struggling with all this festive season. I'm here on my own on NYE as Bloke went to bed hours ago and I'm too fucked up for company. This has been an awful year and I can see at least one even worse thing looming in 2018 - my brother is going down very quickly with motor neurone disease (ALS) - so I don't want to do all this, but a friend posted this list and I have done it quite quickly. My memory is total shit at the moment so I may have forgotten all sorts of key things. Hey ho.

1. What am I most proud of this year?

I walked 1000 miles. In fact I walked more than that as I completed that challenge in October and kept up with the three miles a day, most days. There's only tomorrow till the end of the year. I am really proud of keeping it going, of having the progress chart filled in for every day of the year. Go me.
2. What did I learn?

I don't know what I learned. Did I learn anything?
3. What am I most grateful for?

I'm grateful that my daughter is still alive - that she chose to keep going rather than let herself slip away into septicemia when she had the chance.
4. How did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?

Walking every day, doing yoga twice a week, dancing 5 Rhythms once a week, going to the recovery centre twice a week, painting, creating, having therapy
5. How have I been open-minded and -hearted?

I don't know that I have.
6. When did I feel most creative?

Doing my first massive painting at the hospice carers' art group - about four foot by five foot, big. 
7. When have I felt most alive?

On the cold windy beach, with icy rain biting into my face
8. How have I taught others to treat me?

God knows.
9. How can I improve my relationships?

By being a nicer and more considerate
10. Have I been unfair to anyone?

I don't know. Probably. I was sure my house guest from the US lied to me in the most manipulative, emotionally-blackmailing, appalling manner, but maybe she didn't.
11. Who do I need to forgive?

Bloke. And Son in Law, but not yet. Fuck him
12. Where am I feeling stuck?

So much death and illness - I feel as though I live in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I have said this before but it remains true
13. Where is it time to let go?

Ah no, too hard, too much involuntary letting go approaching with the speed of light
14. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Building up some strength in my arms which have become very feeble. Being less of a cunt.
15. How can I be compassionate to myself?

Stop judging myself on who I could be if my daughter and brother weren't living with terminal conditions. Remember that I'm doing pretty well in the circs
16. What did I complete or release? What still feels incomplete to me?

I completed my 1000 miles. This blog feels incomplete - I don't know how to write in it any more
17. What was my greatest contribution?

Sticking with my girl, being her champion,
18. What were my greatest challenges? How did I approach them? How do I feel about how I faced them?

Letting Younger Daughter walk away a bit, which she needed to do but which kills me, like I have lost them all. I feel glad that I haven't laid any shit on her about this but I haven't faced it well, I have nothing left to face such things. I am so ashamed of how I have treated her. So ashamed.
19. How am I different this year than last?

I'm sadder, much sadder. Less joy
20. What is something I did this year that I believe I will remember for the rest of my life?

Sat at my daughter's bedside in the hospice, waiting for her to die. Which she didn't.
21. What is something that was hard for me at the start of the year, but is easier now?

Walking three miles a day, every day
22. Who has made the biggest impact in my life this year? Why?

Younger Daughter - she made me feel ashamed of the things I haven't done, the many ways I failed her
23. What did I do this year that I have never done before?

Up-cycled a chair -  there you go - it took me a while but I found something trivial
24. What was the best decision I made this year?

To get a puppy

25. What was the biggest risk I took?

I don't know - getting a puppy I guess
26. What do I wish I had done more of?

Phoning friends and asking for help
27. What do I wish I had done less of?

Simmering with resentment
28. How did I positively influence others this year?

I don't know
29. Where did I find the most peace and calm this year?

Yoga at the Buddhist Centre
30. When did I feel most connected to myself this year? To my purpose? To nature? To others?

Sitting at my daughter's bedside
31. When did I feel most spiritually connected this year?

I don't know
32. What was the most loving service I performed this year? What was the most loving service I received?

I don't know - yes I do - cooking meals for my friend with cancer - all through her chemo and beyond, till she was back at work, I made batches of organic veg-laden meals - chicken soup, cottage pie, fish pie, stews, meatballs etc for her freezer so she always had somethings nutritious to bung in the microwave. I know I have received loving service this year but I always block it out (this is why YD has had enough) - I will try to remember and edit it in when I do. My internal narrative remains stuck at poor me, so all the good stuff has to slide away, which is shit I will try to stop doing
33. What was the best way I used my time this past year?

Keeping myself alive by determined self care
34. What is most important to me?

My children, my darling beautiful broken blessed children
35. How do I want to feel this time next year?

A bit more fucking optimistic than I do now

Happy New Year

11:50 p.m. - 31.12.17

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