annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



It's been a pig of a week. I keep having these vague dreams of not writing negative shit in my blog, but fat fucking chance of that, so here are the crap things, hopefully in brief (can't tell what will emerge at this point), and then some better things, because it's never all crap..

  • The whole thing with son-in-law and the money dragged me down more than I can say. Son came down last night and after much discussion we (and YD) have decided that I will take it to the police on Monday. I am reluctant because it's one of those things that can't be undone once it's started and I'm just too tired and a part of me feels guilty about it - though that pisses me right off - all this therapy and I still feel guilty about taking action against someone who has done us all wrong. Fuck him. I feel sad for his mother though. I'm not even sure why as she never liked me and made no bones about it. I was going to say fuck her too, but I'm not. I'm going to print off all the emails and they'll be able to call up the bank records and it will be out of my hands. Then we'll be able to do a civil case to get the money back. Sigh. Big fucking sigh.

  • Then the dog ate something disgusting and became very ill. I phoned the vet for advice as she wasn't eating and had a warm dry nose and shocking windy noises in the belly. The vet said bring her in, examined her and said she'd have to stay in at least overnight, on a drip, to be re-hydrated and fed meds. It cost me hundreds of fucking pounds because I don't have insurance and I still haven't remembered to take out insurance. I didn't like it when she wasn't here - how could I miss her so much, so quickly? Then she came back and was annoying again, so balance was restored.

  • Daughter had a scan of her kidneys to see what's occurring and how come she's still alive when all the medics thought she wouldn't be. The results will go to the urologist who will call us for another appointment. It was all fucking hideous though - the NHS and social care stretched as thin as thin can be - unbearable, but thank god I went along as there was nowhere to park so M, daughter's key worker, let us out of the van and I took ED into the hospital while she drove off and round in circles for hours looking for a space. They hadn't noted on the referral that ED is quadriplegic and would need a hoist to get her onto the scanner. The care home hadn't been told that it was that kind of scan, and not one that can be done with a hand held thingy, so she wasn't sitting on the right kind of sling to be used with the hoists they have in the hospital. So that all took fucking ages - sending someone off to find a hoist, then trying to work out how to put the sling under ED, trying to get hold of M on her phone to ask her, but no signal, ED being pushed and pulled like a sack of fucking potatoes, staff so tired, trying to keep patient and kind but at the end of their tether this late in the afternoon, awful, awful awful. M finally arrived and quickly sorted the sling and I'll know for next time, but while ED was finally being scanned and M and I had to wait outside, I just cried and cried and cried, for my poor girl, unable to say anything or move to help or to swat them away. No dignity at all, everyone under so much pressure. And very anxiety-provoking anyway - what will they find? She had no kidney stones in March, then a massive one at the beginning of May. She hasn't had a scan since and over five months have passed. Has the stone just stopped growing? Why isn't she in agony? How is urine still being processed? The stone was blocking something or other back in May - ach, I don't know, it just scares me that they'll say ah well now, she still is likely to die any time soon.

  • The bloody cat started pissing in weird places like on top of the lid to her covered litter tray. More vet. Cystitis. Jesus.

  • On Friday it was a care home party, at the local community centre, attended by all the residents of all four care homes in the little group, almost fifty of them, and assorted family and care workers, managers and what have you. Honestly it was like the seventh circle of hell. If I hadn't been so stressed with everything else I quite possibly would have enjoyed seeing the kindness and consideration with which the residents were treated by the staff, to ensure that they had the best possible time. But I am right on the fucking edge and indeed I keep falling off the edge, into hysterical despair. So. They are all adults with severe learning difficulties and physical disabilities as well. The home ED lives in houses, I came to understand, the quiet ones. The others are vocal, and were excited, mostly happy and expressing that happiness loudly and vehemently, but very few have any capacity to form words - though those that could generally repeated their word incessantly. Things that were hard for me included: the noise; the overwhelming sorrow that my darling girl has ended up here; the inability to discern how she was feeling about being at this party; the fact that she couldn't partake of the pleasures - she can barely see, she can't eat or drink, she doesn't speak; the fact that I was alone with her, that no one else would come. It was three hours but I only lasted one and a half. Then I felt ashamed as well as sorrowful.

  • It is the anniversary of the passing of our beloved Stepfordtart. Fuck that shit.stepfie

That's me and her and Tim in London in 2009.

I'll try and come back tomorrow to report on some good things. Laters xx

1:27 a.m. - 29.10.17


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