annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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OK, I'm going to get my life back on track. That's what they say, isn't it? Back on track? It would probably work if I were a train instead of a knackered, frazzled, old woman who doesn't know which way is up any more. But I've had enough of feeling untethered and uncentred and at the mercy of stronger forces than me so I'm going to give it a shot.

Starting with an early-ish night, in a minute. Where I shall write my evening pages (I had to give up the morning ones with the puppy who can't be waiting around for me to write three sides of A4), and I will only read for a bit.

Tomorrow I am meeting an old friend for a dog walk on the beach at low tide, then doing sewing group - hoping to finish my African print dungarees - and the last puppy training class.

I don't know how I became a person who needs things mapped out, but I do. For the moment. That feels full enough to manage.

On the plus side, I'm halfway to my dream of travelling round the coast in a camper van with a dog. The dog is still too mental and puppyish to be a good companion, but that gives me time to summon up a camper van.

Yoga - I missed yoga again today as we took Sam to the urologist - he said he needs her to have a scan - which I fucking said, but only a consultant can authorise a scan, not a patient's mother - and now we have to wait again. Sigh.

I do hurt so badly though. In my spirit.

But it will pass. I know that. Then it will be back and then it will pass again.

I lost the habit of going through the motions as if things are fine. I did it too much. I had an awful plastic smile slapped on my face and there was no call for that. Just do the things - the yoga, the art, the dancing, the walking. Don't even try to enjoy them, just do them. And the pages. And the blog. Write a shit blog, full of moaning and self pity and let the readers all drift away, just write. Always write.

That's the main thing.

Innit?

 

11:36 p.m. - 09.10.17

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