annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary



  1. We made it through Sam's birthday OK, though she's knackered today and has had two doses of top-up morphine. Probably due to being pushed over the crappy, bumpy pavement in her wheelchair, and the effect of that on her kidney stones. I took her to the pub, which was the suggestion that got the most enthusiastic response from her, but the one we went to - the nearest one I knew which had a wide, flat entrance - turned out to have a short flight of steps up to the bar, so was a bit disappointing. I think she liked the beery smell and the sound of snooker balls clacking together, but we would really have liked to be at the bar, in the thick of the chat, with some good eavesdropping potential. Apart from that, everyone gathered in her room, her auntie made a big cake for all the residents and staff and we all survived.

  2. What wasn't so good was the morning. I'd finally decided to get her a quality soft toy from M&S, but when I paid for it the cashier said, "Ooh, someone's lucky, getting this!" Which sadly just sent me straight into meltdown, loudly, incoherently, in the middle of Marks and bloody Spencer, first thing on a Tuesday morning. The poor woman was only being friendly, but the idea of Sam being lucky was more than I could bear, for a moment or two - long enough to give chapter and verse on the ways Sam has been the opposite of lucky - before getting a grip, wiping my tears and snotty nose on my sleeve, apologising and fucking off double quick. Awful. It came out of nowhere but had obviously been sitting there, primed, just below the surface, waiting for the starting pistol. Which is quite enough of a mixed metaphor for one sentence

  3. Me and Younger Daughter buried the hatchet. Or more like pretended there had never been a hatchet, which will do for now. We're both too tired for this shit.

  4. Tomorrow I have an introductory session with the proper victim support therapy service - it's been a long time as there's always a waiting list and I arrived at the top while we were in the hospice, which was more than I could even think about. I don't know how much I want to think about it now, being raped and all that, but this is my opportunity to stop it leaping out at me and fucking things up in the present day, so I guess I'm going to have to.

  5. I not only tidied up my bedroom, but I put things onto shelves, which has taken me two years, since I moved into the room.

  6. I'm going to start writing gratitudes in a little book - I shall do them at one end at night and affirmations at the other end in the morning, after I've done my three morning pages. I've been doing the pages and meditation for 32 consecutive days now and I think it keeps me in a better place than I'd be without it.

  7. I collected thirteen plastic bottles off the beach today, plus five drinks cans in various states of decay, lots of litter and fishing nets and fishing line plus some bunting. Self-righteous doesn't begin to describe it.

Good night, sweet dreams, keep safe xxx

12:19 a.m. - 24.08.17


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