annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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The sea, the sea

Yesterday was awful, rock bottom. Nothing extra happened, I just couldn't cope with what was there and couldn't find anyone to talk to. Well, to cry at. I can't bear talking to Bloke any more - he thinks I'm asking for solutions and gets all agitated because there aren't any. I didn't see anyone else and no one answered their phones. Sad face.

Today I dragged myself to 5 Rhythms, with no expectations - I mean, I'm not looking to be cheered up here, or to feel good, I'm merely trying to not let myself fall down any further than can be helped. The woman - what do you call the people who do this sort of thing? the leader? Teacher? I dunno - whatever she's called she pissed me off at the beginning by saying something like, "If you feel sadness, or grief I want you to step out firmly and breathe a strong outbreath, 'huff' to push that feeling out of you." I didn't have it in me to step out like that, let alone huff a good puff of breath, but you are absolutely free to ignore what she says, so I did, and mooched about to the music in my own way, trying to concentrate on the music and let my body do whatever it wanted, as if no one was watching, because they weren't. Then she played Praise You and the lyrics just did for me:  We've come a long, long way together/Through the hard times and the good/I have to celebrate you baby/I have to praise you like I should

So I faced the corner and let it all out and that was what I needed. Here's a short thing about 5 Rhythms, if you don't know about it.

It didn't make me feel good but I felt less bad, more able to face the rest of the day, at least.

I went to the care home and sat with my girl, who was mainly sleeping, but a bit smiley when she was awake. I played her Praise You and Right Here, Right Now, also by Fatboy Slim, local boy, family fave etc.

Then I met Younger Daughter for a swim which was lush - she lives near a bit of beach that's just right at medium tide and free parking too.

Here's something that's been pissing me off though. I have two friends currently having treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a nasty cancer that is mostly curable via vicious chemo that really takes it out of a person, even people as upbeat, determined and strong as these two. One of them is reporting her progress on Facebook, the other has created a whatsapp group to avoid having to repeat the same news again and again to family and friends. The treatment is accumulative and gradually grinds a person down to a level of misery we don't usually get from either of these two. What pisses me off is the number of people who keep saying, "You got this!" "You can do it!" "Show that cancer who's boss!" and that kind of thing. I mean, I can see they're coming from a place of love and affection, but fuck the fuck off with all this 'You can do it,' as if it's a fucking choice. What are they saying? That Barb and Stepfie and my friend Kim just weren't trying hard enough? That they just let that cancer win? How dare they, how bloody dare they. Or is it about not wanting to hear anything difficult. Like, "Don't talk to me about your fears, for fuck's sake, you'll be fine, shut up." It makes me really angry and I've held my tongue about it so far as neither of them will be helped by me getting into a spat on their pages, but it keeps rattling around in my head, so here I am, putting it down.

I am grateful for: the sea, the sea, the wonderful sea; daughters; coconut oil; dinner; bed

12:19 a.m. - 15.06.17

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