annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Busy

Busy, keeping busy is one option for getting through this and that's what I had a go at yesterday.

I started with a big hard cry, because that's what happens when you wake up and have a moment when you forget then you remember, like a punch in the chest. It's like after a death, but before. I cannot (will not either) attempt to imagine after.

So. I then went to the beach for #2minutebeachcleanday. I'd tried to entice some other folks to join me in this, but no takers, so I just fought my way along on my own, in the howling wind, with Prince on the headphones, and gathered two big bags of mainly cans and proper litter rather than much in the way of marine debris.

Next I went off to see my pal M, currently undergoing chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma, at the point where it's building up in her system enough to debilitate her pretty much all the time. She wanted to go out and do something though so we went to a little town/big village a few miles away where they were having an open house and gardens day, with art and horticulture to admire. It wasn't all that to be honest - the gardens were neat and well tended but very ordinary and uninspiring in their planting, no thought given to shape, colour or texture - nothing that made me take a picture for future ref. The art as well, fell into that space where I would have been quite proud had I been able to do something that good, but there was nothing I'd be able to bear to have on my walls. I liked that it was all a bit crap.

So it was good mooching about with my dear friend, in this, the worst summer of either of our lives. That is not a fucking challenge, by the way, universe/fate/god - I accept that you win, I am fucked, I agree, you can always make it worse, but you don't fucking have to. I surrender.

Then I went and sat with my girl for some peaceful hours, knitting a bit, holding hands a lot, listening to Smooth radio, bland as fuck. Crying inconspicuously, I hope.

Bloke meanwhile had been to the opera, G1yndebourne, Hamlet, whatever. He thought he'd be back in time for dinner but he wasn't so I went to the Toby Carvery, which is proper shit school-dinner type roasts, but with lots of veg and no choice required or talking to a fucking waiting person. Just stand in a line and have any or all of a selection of grey, tasteless meats, then shovel on veg and gravy, eat, pay and go.

In the evening I watched 24 hours in Police Custody, brutal, and some stand up comedy - Kevin Bridges. I like him a lot.

 

So that's how I'm doing it. Some days.

I am grateful for: rolling hills; big seas; high winds; free plants; another day

 

big hugs xxx

11:46 a.m. - 12.06.17

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