annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hell I don't know how to do this at all. Not that anyone does, it's the hardest most shit thing ever, hanging around waiting for your child to start 'actively dying'. Phrases that have chilled me to the core, that should never have to be spoken to a parent, top three: 3. Let nature take its course (offered as an option in 2013, instead of fitting a feeding tube when she became unable to swallow) 2. An end of life event (a stated risk of the operation to fit a stent in her kidney, Sept 2016) and coming in at No1:
For fuck's sake. I spend most of the time either sitting with her or wishing I was sitting with her or thinking about sitting with her or wishing I was someone else. That last one quite a lot. With interludes for being horrified about British politics. The cuntishness in public life defies all expectations. They said she might live for a week or two, or a month or maybe two. They can't tell. I don't know what she's thinking or feeling or what she knows about what's happening to her. She's full of morphine as that motherfucking kidney stone just keeps on growing. Sleepy. Not really present. We are all going insane with the unspeakable awfulness of this, with the massive, all-consuming need to wake up and find it's all a fucking dream and that she's there, our kid, living her life, walking on her own two feet, or tottering about in her high heels as she's only a teeny wee soul. Five foot and half an inch. I am so lonely. I do have good friends but not living close by, apart from my pal M, who has the cancer. I'm seeing her tomorrow. I will feel better after that. According to my belief and practice, I should now be listing things I am grateful for, which is hard, I tell you, fucking hard, but I do acknowledge that it could be worse, worse even than this. I am grateful for my two healthy children, my grandson, my friends both near and far, real life and online; my own health; my home, loathsome though it is, I am indoors with a bed to crawl into, a car I can drive, blah blah blah. 12:41 a.m. - 11.06.17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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