annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
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Julia
It was Julia's birthday today, or would have been. (Today being the 4th, when it began, not the 5th which it is now.) I can't remember the date she died, but her birthday always leaves me gutted and angry - her death makes me angrier than anyone else's - I have such a sense of unfinished business - not between me and her, but just her, Julia - that wasn't the end of her story, surely? I have a fabulous photo of her and Sam, holding a cake they made up to the camera - Sam is about 14, Julia is pre the first bad bike accident which left her quite disabled, so disabled she had to take up skiing, just to prove a point. Aw man. I can't post the pic because it's at home and I'm back at the hospice.
Today was the family party part of GS's 18th birthday. YD asked him, ages ago how he would like to celebrate and he said a small party with his best pals on the Saturday night then a family gathering on the Sunday afternoon. So that was what he had. YD had noticed that when it comes to it he feels quite awkward in the big family group so she saved up her pennies and booked the bar at the local football club and hired various games
I had a go on the driving game - my first ever go on one of these type of things.
If you look down the list:
you may notice that I didn't come last - I beat Lottie (age 11) and Nella (5) though I was beaten by all the other children, who can all fuck off. I did give it my best shot - I played two games of pool with Son, but I just hated everyone, all the bastards there, laughing, living, not lying in a bed in a hospice, pumped full of morphine. So I left and came back here. YD is a star though - she did a really good thing there. I love her like she was my daughter. Which she is, so that's nice.
But with Sam, well, I was pretty made over on Friday, after spending days worrying over her distended belly, that she could start the downward spiral at any moment and only have a day or two left, to suddenly be told she might have months but probably weeks - weeks! whole weeks of her little face, her hand holding mine! Then I crashed yesterday - it's still not long - no one's saying there;s any chance of her seeing Christmas. She lived through GS's birthday but it's mine in two weeks...
I have nothing to say about the bombs other than fuck off, all of you (them, not you). And the election. I am living in hope because I have lived in despair over those fuckers all this time. If they win again, I'll have done all I can - I delivered leaflets, I have a poster in my front window, a sticker on my car and I post endless stuff on FB and Twitter. I am not getting into a debate about it with anyone because my poor brain is massively compromised with all this going on, so there'd be no point. But I'm having these days of hoping Corbyn can win. He's a good man. We'll see.
And I'm going back to yoga tomorrow. I messaged the yoga guy as I wanted him to know why I haven't been there without having to speak it out loud in the Buddhist Centre where there's always people around and I'll be bound to cry if I do. I may cry anyway.
I sat down in the street in the city centre the other day when I was tired.
and didn't care
and then went in the sea for my first swim of the year - June 1st - very early for me. Warm but lots of fine seaweed that had come adrift during recent storms.
I am grateful for: a few more weeks; a sofa-bed to sleep on; living by the sea; my family, all easy hanging out, morphine to take away her pain.
12:57 a.m. - 05.06.17
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