annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday The doctor came today and said that while it was clear that ED looked much better than she did last week, in terms of skin colour (no longer waxy and pallid, but a bit fresh and peachy) and breathing (normal), these changes were not uncommon at the end of life and not too put too much store by it. She didn't think we were looking at weeks, but still days, just a few more than we all had thought. I felt much calmer for having burst last night, but today Son and YD both lost it, having a sudden flare up of furious anger at each other, expressed with their usual volume and vocab and YD chucking something at Son. Yes, at the hospice. Outside in fact, as it was a really warm day so the nurses had pushed ED's bed outside under a shade. All the other rooms had their doors and windows open so the other patients had a bit of fuck you, no fuck you, crash bang stomp. ED actually laughed - they used to fight all the time, endless, awful rows that often went on and on - this was over and done in about a minute, but it was a loud minute and just like old times. My favourite back then, when they were younger, was after Son had started back into education. He walked out mid fight so she opened the upstairs window and bellowed at him as he disappeared across the garden and he returned it twice as loud - again it was summer, everyone's house was open so all could hear. The words Plato, cunt, fucking and Heidegger all featured. One of my proudest parenting moments - we'd moved right on from, "Oi, cunt you've stolen my coke." Awful. But they calmed down again. Son had had a terrible day with trains and lost phones and all that kind of thing and YD is coping with more than just the loss of her sister. I took her to the beach where she swam in the sea in her underwear and Son settled down with ED for a couple of quiet hours and on we went. Now I am staying at YD's, she is at the hospice and Son is at mine. We are going to rotate sleeping over as we all want to and don't want to.
This is all very chatty because that's where I am tonight - all on the surface. It doesn't really represent anything real, but there you go. It was immense to walk away for the night knowing I might never see her again, but I have learned the hard way that I have to look after myself. Today has been fucking difficult, in a different way to the previous ones. 11:57 p.m. - 22.05.17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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