annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saturday night, Sunday Morning I feel it's kind of inappropriate to be blogging at a time like this, but writing's what I do and I don't know how to not do it. I can't read a book or the paper or watch TV, and I can't sit forever staring at my silent girl so here I am, blethering on. Today was dominated, for me, by the presence of SIL, ED's so called partner, more like ex-partner as he hasn't visited since December, and whose grief I could not begin to feel kind about. I did the right thing because she loved him, maybe still does, so I welcomed him, hugged him, let him cry in my arms and silently hated him and said I'd leave them to have some private time together. While he was here the dad and the pissed wife returned so I just fucked right off and left them to it, cunts. Really angry though, in case this was my girl's last day and spent with them not us. But no, she's rallied. Her breathing is back to normal, so's her colour (right now she's snoring, quite loudly), and we've gone from seeing out the weekend being unlikely to having a review on Monday about whether to give her some food through the feeding tube. This is not a reversal, they are at pains to make clear, but the antibiotics may have cleared the infection, temporarily, she still has a massive, inoperable kidney stone, the infection will return... There is no chance of her being discharged from here. This is so hard. I like it best when it's the four of us, me and my three kids. But I have spent so much time sitting by her bedside - since September when she first had the pressure sore, till February when it healed - this seems like the same but in a different room. I forget. Then I remember. It's terrible not knowing what she wants, what she knows. Is she frightened? Or relieved? This laptop is on a table that's too high for my arms and it's too heavy to have on my lap so I'm going to bed now, just over there. I am grateful for your kind words and other stuff too but it's hard to be glad about stuff right now. Keep safe xxx 12:32 a.m. - 21.05.17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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