annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not yet They didn't do the operation. It turned out that the one they could have done needed her to lie prone, on her stomach, supporting her head on her arms, under a local anaesthetic. She can't get her arms to that position. If they go in from the front, there's only a slim chance they could get round the kidney stone to drain it, and then what? It's eight weeks since the last stones were lasered away and here's another one already, bigger than ever. So. Palliative care. Hospice. She's ready - she's exhausted and hasn't really been enjoying anything for a while - I've just not wanted to acknowledge it. Last time she fought her way back to health, then the pressure sore fucked her over. This time she's just sleepy - in fact she slept all day today, just odd flickers of the eyelids but no proper eye contact at all, all day. She has no life any more. So there we are. I've known this is where we were heading for a while - since she went into the care home in 2013 - but it hurts more than I thought to suddenly arrive on the brink. I'm shocked, I guess. This is not what I expected today. I'm writing here because I don't want to tell any more people in my life. My sister said, and kept saying, "She hasn't been your ED for quite a while," but she has actually, Sis, she's been in there all this time, but you never fucking visited her because you were too freaked out. But I didn't say anything, to Sis - she is who she is and she loves me and ED. I just pretended I had to go to the loo. Her ex partner, who hasn't visited since Boxing Day, kept asking why they hadn't done this, or tried that, in an angry voice, but he can fuck off, almost six months since we heard from him and he thinks we're just giving up on her? So I pretended to lose the signal. Her father - I told him after I'd told YD, Son and Grandson, as despite everything he is her father, her biological, she used to call him. I didn't manage not to cry as I told him and he said, quite sharply, 'Come on, there's no need for that,' so I lost the signal there as well. Thinks he can fuck off for twenty years, see her a couple of times and tell me what to feel and how to express it, he can fuck right off. And now I don't want to tell anyone else, but I used a photo from the hospital for my photo-a-day on Saturday so all sorts of people near and far know she's been in hospital and quite a few have asked how she's doing and I don't want to have any more conversations. Tomorrow there are meetings about whether she will go back to the care home for a bit or straight to the hospice, but she will come out of the hospital. If you know me on facebook please don't write anything on the page - I need to tell people in my own time. If you send me a message I can't access them via my phone so won't see it till the evening. 12:15 a.m. - 17.05.17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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