annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Truth

Truth is, I spent most of Tuesday in A&E and since returning home at midnight on that day I haven't left the house. So haven't done anything good since Tuesday morning. What I have learned is that, far from being self-indulgent, as I sometimes fear, my schedule of arts and exercises keeps me the right side of the mental health line and without them I am falling into a weird place that I don't actually like very much.

Today has been a bit better than the previous two days, as I can now use my hands and arms to help me stand up, so long as I don't put too much pressure on them - that causes a massive shrieking  stabbing feeling across my upper chest. Not as bad as it was, but still very fucking fuck. Most of the chairs here are too low. My core muscles are rubbish. They're used to doing a bit of work on Monday and Thursday lunchtimes (yoga class) followed by a big lie-down, not bobbing up and down all the bloody time. so I've ended up standing a lot, because my leg hurts too much to walk and blah blah moan moan - you get the picture.

I've spent too much time getting het up about shit on facebook and twitter, writing big, ranty ripostes to people then deleting them without posting as, fuck it, life's too short, and they'll only reply with more crap - I never manage to change anyone's mind. I am terrified about the international situation - I just want to cleave my darlings to my bosom and hold them tight until it all goes off and we find out if there really is or isn't life after death. Or not, if there isn't as we won't even know.

Easter is bringing out the religious fuckery in some of the friends I do hold dear, despite their beliefs, but I get so FUCKING PISSED OFF over the question of God and his will and his ability to affect lives on earth. "Let's see what God has in store for you!" one said recently, on the birth of a baby. What, God chooses? He chose for my daughter to have this crippling MS, for me to lose my mother, my daughter and my mind? That was his plan for me? I asked her - Oh no, we don't mean that, she says, obviously appalled that I should think so, mortified to have upset me, and I do love her, she's a good woman, a good human being, but she can't have it both ways. Either he has a plan or he doesn't. Another one drove past a car crash yesterday and prayed for the people involved. She later discovered that a friend's husband had been in one of the cars but he was not injured and was now safe at home. "Our God is merciful and hears our prayers," she says. People pray for my daughter - her aunt, the first woman I mentioned here, others. She still can't speak. Does he not hear these prayers? What about Stepfie and Barb? He wasn't very fucking merciful to them, was he? Or to Stepfie's daughters.

Sigh.

In other news, the garden is creeping onwards. Today we* planted potatoes (Charlotte - waxy, small, early, and Maris Piper - maincrop, floury, good roasters), and Bloke started digging a pond. I love a pond. We're going wildlife friendly all round - lots of plants for birds and bees and all that malarkey.

*'we' as in me saying, "No! Not like that!" and Bloke sighing and muttering under his breath but doing as I say.

We also put in an order   here

for seedlings of things that are hard to find, like nicotiana sylvestris

I tried to feel the pleasure and the joy in making a beautiful place but I only managed to touch that in tiny flashes. Tomorrow I'm going to cook a meal for the kids and I'm going to walk, even if it does mean limping round the beach.

I have managed to do two paintings, both from the same photo of tulips in M's garden that I painted before.This first one was trying to use the masking fluid more effectively, but in the process I ended up not paying enough attention to the shape of the pot:

This one is informed by the art of mindfulness vibe:

and was done with one continuous line - though that went through the tape round the edges so it's not visible now. I quite like it and shall do another one or two or ten and see what happens.

Bed now. I am grateful for: a visit from an American d'lander friend looks like it's going to happen (eeeekkk!!!); some recovery in my body; kids wanting to come for a meal; a bean germinating already; YD loving the allotment; the NHS fixing ED's catheter in A&E in no time at all - no waiting endlessly for her, job done, sorted and home within an hour.

1:16 a.m. - 15.04.17

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