annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday night
I love the walking during the day (6.5 miles on Friday, 5.2 yesterday, 3,7 today), but it hits me like a sledgehammer in the evening so that my eyelids are heavy and I can't see to read even. Tonight I'm making myself write because I want to be a person who writes, not a person who just walks and picks up litter and that.
I may be getting a bit obsessive about the litter, especially on the beach. I almost filled my fucking car today:
I do feel I could do some great artworks using some of this, but they'd have to be massive so where would they go? I'd have to make them outdoors - do glue guns keep their power outdoors? Is the glue weatherproof is what I mean.
I took the anchor pic to the woman who bought it this morning - it was a present for her bloke's birthday so she didn't want it till today - and she was dead happy, as was I. Biggest thing I've ever made.
It's tricky though, as I'm struggling with being at home. I just want to be outside, away from here, then when I do come back it's too dark to see what I'm doing with the colours and everything. More and better lights would help but in the meantime I don't know what to be doing. I am skittering on the edge of being too mental again. I can feel it, creeping in. Too much stress, too many people I care too much about with health problems that are too serious.
ED has her pre-op tomorrow for the next kidney stones op. Too fucking soon to be back in the hospital, although there's nothing to worry about with this. Also YD has had a mole removed without telling me till it's all over - the doctor didn't like the look of it so she sent her to have it removed just in case and YD thought I'd had enough shit without having that on my mind as well, but now all I can think of is Barb, dear wittykitty, who was allowed to die in the fucking US of a melanoma left untreated. We aren't there yet, with our health service, is what I should be focusing on. My girl had a dodgy mole, within three days of a doctor seeing it, it was gone and there will be follow up tests, but I could howl, I could fucking HOWL with sorrow for Barb, cut off in her fucking prime, dead and gone, when she should be here, walking next to me, sad about Stepfie with me.
Going to see Son was a bit fab, though that was when I knew the anxiety was growing too fast - I had to talk myself down from screaming and pulling the red cord all the way up there as the train was going so fast and swaying from side to side that it surely had to tip up at some point, but no, the other passengers were dead chilled so it had to be normal, but still. Son works in the very heart of the establishment
and it was strangely moving to arrive at this building, all massive and solid and empire and all that, and for Son to come down and sign me in and for us then to wander about inside
That boy did good. I'm so proud of him.
I have managed to walk inland a bit as well as on the beach, even if it has been close to the river, so far.
and in the other churchyard, while waiting for M, on Saturday. I've lived in this area for over forty years and have never been in there before, just driven past it several times every week. I thought this gravestone was pretty cool, but M turned up just as I took the pic and I forgot to have a look and see the date. The church was apparently started in the tenth century, whatever started means.
I am grateful for: being introduced to the beach cleaning thing; Bloke cooking a good dinner; care home sorting things out for ED with the hospital so I just have to be there, not remembering anything, other than her date of birth and I've got that locked in; hearing that the Muslim world has chilled out since seeing the demos against Trump's ban - they thought we all hated them, now they know it's just governments and fools, not half the world - they're "us" too, not "them" - I hope that makes sense; I've lost a stone in weight this year - that's 14 lbs, or something in that region as scales all vary a bit, but it's a good amount, just by stopping eating for comfort whenever I wanted to. Instead I think, "That's a craving, it'll soon pass" and it does. I need to lose a couple more to be back to my pre stopping smoking weight, but I don't really care, I just want to get into my clothes. My beautiful leopard print fleecy dress, where the sleeves are too tight, for example. Soon
Good night. Big hugs, hope you are well, do say hello if you feel like it... xx
12:17 a.m. - 06.02.17
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------