annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Five bad things

Or five things that have been pissing me off at least, that I need to get off my chest so that I can move into the fucking festive season without being too bitter and twisted.

  1. I have been invited to three parties this year, which is three more than usual, and I am too fat to get into any of my decent clothes and too skint to afford anything new. I buy my clothes in charity shops mostly, but the range available in size 18 and up (OK, 20 and up) is both restricted and horrible, featuring snide fabrics, ghastly colours, awful patterns and too much fancy detail. The first event was last night - I ended up squeezed into a sleeveless long black dress covered with a thin jacket that didn't meet in the middle, to disguise the way I bulge out around my crop top (bra type thing) and knickers. I have tried to stop eating so much and had generally succeeded until this week, when I thought fuck it and dived back into the chips. As an old person, my metabolism has apparently slowed down and losing weight is likely to take forever. Oh good.

  2. The first party was at the care home. There were lots of positive aspects but I couldn't keep my mind on them. The residents were all dolled out in their best gear, the women with fancy hair and make up, the staff also and many who weren't working had come along anyway. Effort had been made, lots of food and a fair amount of drink, all the usual party shite. Several of the residents were really excited about it, to the point of loud vocalisations, that were very very hard to stay cool with. My girl was absolutely spaced out on pain-killers and I was doing my best, but when I caught sight of myself in an unexpected mirror, fucking hell, I looked grim. I guess I'm as bad as she is at hiding my feelings - despair and anguish writ large across my face, fuck, fuck, fuck. We didn't stay long.

  3. Headlines suggesting a 'cure' for MS, when the article reveals nothing more than some small grounds for optimism in the first round of testing some new drug - 39% changing to 33% or vice versa - for Primary Progressive MS. Statistically significant, but... The thing is, the hope, the fucking bastard cunting hope, springing up with a vision of my girl, restored to us, bossing us all around, talking all day and all night, thrashing me at online scrabble, mothering her son... It's going to take a while to get myself back from that. I didn't go to yoga today because of it - the first time I've just opted out for months and months - but I was broken.

  4. Politics - specifically idiots banging on about 'British values' by which they mean, according to Ofsted, "democracy; the rule of law; individual liberty; mutual respect for and tolerance of those with different faiths and beliefs and for those without faith" - values which clearly do not exist outside this perfect land. They do not mean an innate sense of superiority based on a history of global armed robbery. I am sickened by it. I am also sickened by descriptions of the US President as 'leader of the free world'. Fuck off. No one outside the US thinks that - it's just more bollocks, like "British values". Head of the country that spends most on the military so can bully the shit out of everyone else, yes. Look how our leaders fall at US feet. Vile. I've had enough of this world, I tell you.

  5. Christmas. I can't get it together. I've not bought presents for everyone yet, or put up the tree - still outside wrapped in netting, where it's been for over a week, in the wind and the rain. Nor indeed have I made a space for the tree to go if I do get the urge to put it up. I have no idea what we'll eat over the holiday which will last forever and ever, beyond the turkey dinner - though we're having a capon as you can't get turkeys small enough for just us. And since ordering it I've ended up inviting a couple of friends who would have been alone - I'm cooking for six now, for fuck's sake. .

So there you go, five of the things I am pissed off about. I am of course also grateful for at least five things - let's see if I can scrape them together before the sun rises. I am grateful for: the respect and care the staff at the care home show to my daughter; my bed; my fireplace; living where I can find free firewood; living by the sea.

There, that wasn't too painful. Sweet dreams dear friends, sweet dreams xxx

1:01 a.m. - 23.12.16


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