annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Another Saturday night

I'm having trouble with the cat sitting on me now the fire's gone out.She sits right in the fireplace and is really quite annoying



ED had another long visit to A&E on Thursday night and into Friday, but I didn't go this time. They called me at about 12.45 to tell me they'd called an ambulance as her catheter had now come right out and neither they nor the district nurse could get it back in, but I just couldn't face it again, especially at night when there's a lot of pissed people there. So I didn't go, just took a sleeping pill and called when I woke up. This isn't as cold-hearted as I keep thinking it is because a) it wasn't an emergency in the life/death sense like back in September, more that A&E is where there'd be an awake doctor in the middle of the night b) the night staff go to A&E frequently with one of the other residents who has regular violent seizures that mean he has to go to resus, so they're familiar with it all c) me being there in the middle of the night would suggest more peril than there actually was. But I still feel bad about it, although not actually regretful, just bad that we've arrived at a place where I can't give her what I'd like to be able to give her. But I'm knackered. I ended up crying like a baby as I walked through the main shopping street in the city, back to my car after yoga, ready to punch anyone who looked at me funny, but no one did.

Today (Sunday) is my son's birthday and he's gone to Madrid which is nice for him but I feel sad at not being able to give him a big hug. I painted him an Om in Tuesday's art group, on silk, which I sent to him early so he could take it with him and open it there. Messy, I know. img_5063

On Friday morning I phoned the care worker who was with ED in the hospital, who told me that ED was asleep and they still hadn't seen a doctor, so I decided to go to my Friday art group, where I did two big paintings in acrylics, on sugar paper which is shite, it just crumbles after a while, which is why I did two. I was as manic as I've been there, no consoling me, I couldn't calm down though I was internalising it (I think) rather than spreading it out, just painting hard and fast and big, as if smearing colour onto paper would make my girl whole and well or make me feel better. Still. Then I went and had some acupuncture which did calm me down and when I came out, she'd just been seen by a proper urologist who popped a new, smaller catheter back in, no sweat, job done, home you go. So I went to the care home but didn't stay very long as she was knackered and spaced out on morphine again. I went outside and marched along the seafront in a fierce wind till I'd done my 6000 steps.

Today I found this one the beach:


The prompt was 'what I saw today' which is one of those 'do what you like' ones, not what I like for distraction purposes, but there you go. I was quite prepared to post something not very interesting as I was too tired to go in search of the unusual but  I found a nice piece of red felt on the beach, then what has to be a lobster tail, although I thought it was a toy, judging by the colour till I picked it up. I sat it on the felt, snapped, posted and went on my way but now some fucker on facebook has told me it's this colourful because of its particular stage of decomposition, which makes me wish I'd washed my hands before eating those chips. It is quite amazing though, all that blue and gold. I wish I'd kept it or at least looked more closely.


I am grateful for: the NHS; the care home; the beach; the cold weather and emptier public spaces; being old

1:45 a.m. - 27.11.16


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