annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Step 2

And suddenly, I open my eyes and look around me and the place has turned into a tip again. This makes me go out rather than tidy up, but the sad truth is that it will only get worse if I don't gather my determination together and make myself... ach, it's so distant I can't even summon the words for the first action.

Thank you all for holding us in your prayers. We're keeping steady. I had a few hours today with Son, who is a source of deep and abiding joy to me. He's doing the steps or 'The Steps' - you know, the AA ones, and he's on the second: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." We talked about this, just briefly, as we were driving along the seafront, and he said that he'd struggled with the concept of a higher power, but was beginning to feel it. I told him about reaching out for prayers for his sister and the instant, wide and generous response, about imagining her back to how she was just over a year ago, and drawing that in, calling it home. And how within days she was on an upward path, making her way towards us. We gave each other a look, me and Son. A look that said, fuck, there really is more to this shit than we'd reckoned on, and we said no more, but I'm still scared, and just now, when I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, it came to me, why it scares me. Why us? Why should/would/could we get what we want while countless others around the world suffer unspeakable, endless pain? Are they not praying? I bet they are. Loads of them, at any rate. So I can't trust it. We're not special - well we are, but no more special than anybody else. Yet there it is, as it has been before.

So I'll say it again, in the present tense, as that's the rule.

My dearest elder daughter is fine. She's not who she was, but who she is now is a person who enjoys her life, having good interactions with those around her, making relationships, having a laugh. We enjoy spending a lot of time with her and we are learning how to live good lives ourselves. Younger daughter and Son and grandson are thriving. Me and Bloke are living in a little house with a decent garden, growing veg, muddling along.

D'you know, when I first wrote that, I missed grandson out and when I added his name, to say that he was thriving, there was a block, something solid in my chest, as if all the rest were do-able, but not this. And maybe thriving is a lot to ask for a boy in his situation, but let's have him living the absolutely best life possible in the circumstances. Let's have every imaginable mitigation flowing towards him, my darling boy. Let him find a passion, perhaps, something that ignites his spirit and enriches his life.

Watch this space.

I'm going up there on Tuesday, staying one or two nights.

Today I am grateful for: everything really, but specifically Son; an afternoon at Sis's, with those lovely babies; yoga tomorrow; dinner in the pub; a roof over my head.

Laters xx

1:00 a.m. - 20.10.14


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