annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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At home, struggling to stop fantasising about driving myself and ED off a cliff. Despair.

Fury at the hypocrisy of fucking remembrance day - all pious bullshit - still sending people's children to kill other people's children for no good reason, still leaving their bereaved families in poverty - all such vile crap.

No one has called to see how I'm doing - I should call someone but don't know whose Sunday to spoil with my mess.

Don't know how to reach some kind of acceptance of my daughter being lost to dementia I WANT HER BACK so much, so so much, can't stop wanting her back how she was, bossy and prissy and gobby, the one true rebel of my kids, not having any of my old hippy shit, living her own life, her own way, with her collection of nasty cheap teddy bears and having everything pink and frilly.

I just don't know how to do this bit. I know it's meant to be about self care, soothing etc et bloody cetera but I can't remember what that is. I want someone else to look after ME, but that's not going to happen and all I can do is sit in bed and cry snotty heaving tears and I want it to stop I can't do any more of it all being so hard, so painful, so hopeless.

11:59 a.m. - 10.11.13

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