annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


I'm gonna be the man that's havering to you

Thank fuck for acupuncture. I mean, seriously, I don't know what she did, but it left me too spaced out to even leave the clinic for half an hour, after which I crawled home, slept on the sofa and woke up feeling miles more rational and capable. So I say it again, thank fuck for acupuncture.

There was room for improvement and no mistake. I had Dr's this morning at 9.15 - must have been having an off day to have even made an appt that early, being a bit of a late-nighter and all - so set the alarm on my phone for 7.45. For the snooze thing, you have to hit a very small section of the screen, which I can't determine without my glasses, so as always, I accidentally turned the bloody thing off, only to wake spontaneously at 8.50.

Straight into panic mode, threw on some clothes and without even a coffee or a fag was out in the street (keys in hand), looking for my car (no time to bus or walk), which I had no idea where to find. First panic, dithering about not knowing whether to look uphill or down, not sure if it was even in this street, frozen at the bottom of the steps with all these random well-dressed, quick-walking people milling around. At times like that I know I need my doctor so some residual sense kicks in - breathe. Deep, slow and re...lax. At once I know where my car is, but as soon as I'm in it and have turned out of my road heading for the surgery, I have no idea which route to take because its so fucking awkward, what with road works, one-way systems and, I discover, some kind of morning rush hour clogging everything up. It's only a mile and a half so I usually walk or catch a bus (can't follow the bus route as only for buses) but I know where it is, for fuck's sake. Today, in the car, every time I came to a junction or roundabout my mind went into hyperdrive about all the permutations of each choice (if I go left here, I can go along there, round there and miss the roadworks but might get caught in the tailback from people trying to turn right into...) and I was again and again frozen into mindlessness and just followed the fucking vehicle in front of me without even noticing till I'd committed to it, then berating myself, as well as freaking out about where the fuck I was going to park, would I get there too late, and then there was another fucking junction and another choice. This endured for about seven lifetimes, but it actually took me less than fifteen minutes to realise that I had been following the same blue van all the time, towards the London Rd, and if I unilaterally turned right down that side street there'd be a parking space and two minutes to get to the surgery, just round the corner and I did and there was and all was well after all that FUCKING MADNESS.

I think of it now and cannot really comprehend how I could lose it so catastrophically, but I do. Nor can I see how sticking needles in me can change it, but it does, and as I may have mentioned, thank fuck.

Later I gathered up loads of photos into an online album for ED as I now have a cable to link her laptop to her enormous TV so that she can (more or less) see them. Absolutely gutted to see that as recently as April of last year she was pushing her own wheelchair, standing behind it.

Off to hers in the morning, after singing.

Grateful for: a bit of peace in my head; a blog to rant in; Russell Brand for being at least one person managing to get on telly, telling it like it is, vis a vis the state of the world and the fact that it ain't gonna change without some kind of revolution, even if he is a twat in so many ways; novels to read and inhabit - the latest Elizabeth George was magnificent and long - took me over a week; wordscraper (scrabble) with LA on facebook (mwah!), so soothing, so good.

Sweet dreams xxx

11:52 p.m. - 24.10.13


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