annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Wittering on

I've done fuck all today really, haven't left the flat. Actually, the main thing, that's taken me all day, is to update the fundraiser page, telling people about ED going into residential care. It was hard - I wanted them to know that the vehicle they'd made possible will be even more crucial, but it all kept coming out either as a heart-rending lament or ice cold statement of fact and it made me crazy, but there you go, I put something on there in the end and fuck it, it'll have to do.

That reminds me of something I saw last night where some heroic figure was rhetorically demanding whether 'that'll do' was any kind of attitude for a decent person to have, and even at the time I thought, ah fuck off, there's loads of shite people get in a big stress about and a bit of 'that'll do' would make the world a better place. I know it's not a choice for everyone, I'm not talking about OCD, just people being wanky about shit. I mean, not everything, but really, loads of stuff.

I've had a spliff during the course of writing the previous paragraph and I think I may have another one - I am neglecting my duty to self-medicate the fuck out of this situation. Cognitive dissonance, I believe is the technical term for when your mind knows one thing (this move will be a good thing for ED and for us all) but your emotions know something contradictory (disaster, devastation, end of the world). Drugs are clearly indicated, so excuse me while I ... OK, on we go.

stepfordtart wrote about the different reasons people write these kind of personal blogs and the relationships that develop out of them, which made me think about why I write and who I write for. There are so many strands to the answers and it all ebbs and flows like everything else in life.

I don't like not having the stats working properly. That number at the bottom is inching towards 15,000 as I write, but if I click to get more info, it's all stuck on Sept 14th and no one responds to my requests to mend it and what I miss is looking at the locations. I know where Stepfie lives and have deduced that an ip location can be some distance from a person's address, so I don't have many that are linked to specific readers, but there's a reassurance in seeing the same places returning every few days. Grimsby - no idea who you are, and you may have drifted off anyway, but I liked seeing you'd been by. Without my stats, I would never have met Bert, or known that Hveitveis was back in Norway and there was someone in Uganda who'd returned quite a few times, which I found quite thrilling.

My excitement when I first realised I was making connections with people from other countries led me to imagine having friends from literally all over the globe, but of course it isn't quite like that, due to language as much as anything, I guess. And maybe cultural differences in self-importance, to even think of wittering on in public about your life. So Uganda was exciting and if you're still there, next time that fucking comments box deigns to put in an appearance, do, please, please, say hello. I promise I won't make a nuisance of myself or embarrass you in public, but I'm itching to know if you're a regular reader on holiday or a new African reader. I do feel though, having watched the Stephen Fry documentaries "Out There" (OK< here's the first one)

the need to say that though I'm not all that gay myself, when it comes to the kind of persecution I see in Uganda, I'm with the homosexuals, but I don't want to think you're anything but fabulous so enough of that.

I just wrote an email to the BBC Food dept, asking them to do a series aimed at single people. We make up thirty per cent of households in the UK and some of us could do with a bit of help in keeping ourselves fed well. I've just done three days on a beef stew and yet again failed to do anything about food for tomorrow. Scaling recipes down is a fucking pain and doesn't always work and there's got to be a different rhythm with ingredients. I want a nice series, then a book, with someone like Nigel Slater, where in each episode or chapter they take you through a week's shopping and cooking, laying down some guiding principles. And I'd like it now, please. I could do following instructions, it's all the thinking and deciding that's too much for me.

Half past two again, que bolas.

Grateful for: recreational drugs; friends; blogging; a lazy day; rain

Sleep well xxx

11:11 p.m. - 19.10.13


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