annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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So, the good things about the fund-raising are that it's looking like being a success so ED will almost certainly regain some liberty and autonomy - some, let's not get carried away - she's still gonna need a driver, mainly me, and I live 100 miles away - what I'm trying to convey here is that the excitement and gratitude sometimes lead me to forget just how disabled and dependent she is and will always remain, but at least she won't be almost a fucking prisoner in that tiny mobile home.

And everything else about it makes me dementedly anxious. List:

1. Although it's all happening under my name, I have actually set none of this up. I had the idea but have failed at every stage of the technology and also the writing/publicity. Now it's a runaway success and I don't know how to change, check, monitor - aw man, it's all just weird complicated shit, that uses words I think I know, applied differently, scarily. I mean, they're big, supposedly reputable sites the paying pal (don't want them coming here reading about my confusion) and the other one - I don't think I'll get ripped off, but I don't know how it works.

2. The donations site keeps sending me shite advising me to 'update to get more donations - let people know how the campaign is going' blah blah blah, most of which I ignore, because basically I'm begging, on facebook, amongst friends, and is this how I want to treat my friends? I do have blog-mates as facebook friends, but no one I don't feel I know and like and respect. I mean, I'm doing it, for what it means for her but it triggers all sorts of stuff about relationships that I'd like to just sit quietly for now. The lid is off my emotions and they are not reliable in either strength or appropriateness.

3. To set the target, I looked online for secondhand wheelchair accessible vehicles and found them ranging in price from 2,000 to 20,000. The second seemed unattainable, but the first seemed likely to be an old shitter that wouldn't last till its next MOT, so I plucked 5,000 as maybe a sum we could get. Bloke thinks it's miles too low, that only heaps of marginally less shittiness will be available for under 10,000, but is he right?

4. What if we exceed the target? And have enough to get a good vehicle (Bloke could be dead wrong), and more. Should we return the surplus? No, because it's all too complicated, especially with people donating anonymously, and unfair on early donators. Should we then a) send ED and her family on a holiday to this place that does fabbo adventure breaks for disabled people and their families, b) give a big chunk of money to someone I know through the MS site whose partner has terminal MS, to give them one last shout, c) give it all to one of the MS charities or d) put it in an account for running costs, insurance, repairs etc?

5) Is all this legal? Son says yes, of course, what am I worrying about, but I still feel anxious.

6) Will I be able to walk ten miles? Will I have a total emotional breakdown?

There's more, but that's enough for a Friday night

1:02 a.m. - 07.09.13

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