annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - It's all just got to be too much. Having the decline of my daughter as the semi-permanent background leaves me no room for extra complications, be they good or bad, and they've been both. I feel incredibly lonely a lot of the time, out here in the real world, not least because 'Anna's falling apart' is, frankly, old news. And other people are up to their necks in shit as well. I thank you so much for taking the time to write a few words of encouragement - you really helped me turn the corner this morning. It's frustrating (and a bit shame-inducing) to have lived so long and to still have my self-worth fall so low that I can't drag it back up myself but need to hear other people tell me I'm OK. So thank you, really, thank you. This past few weeks has been one big howl of sorrow, but it's almost certainly been made worse by all my support stuff either being on summer break (singing), visiting parents in Italy (acupuncturist) or mooching around Portuguese beaches (counsellor). I cannot do this on my own, but luckily I won't have to after tomorrow when I can have some acupuncture. Me and Bloke are so distant it's unbearable. You hear of that, don't you, couples splitting up when tragedy strikes, rather than pulling together. I don't want it to happen to us - he's been my best pal for forty years, but I struggle to find the energy required to initiate repairs. There have been moments of joy, tucked in amongst the rest. I found a proper, old school cast iron bean slicer. I'm keeping the steps up (6,000 daily, which is apparently the rate for the over-fifties), and wear my pedometer every day. Although it's not a panacea for all that ails, there's something to be said for keeping the physical self as fit as possible. By 'as fit as possible' I mean possible within the constraints of massive inertia and intermittent mega-anxiety. You know. Grateful for: friends, both far and near; lovely veg from the allotment, tempting me to cook; being able to blog again; got loads of blackcurrants from the farmer's market, now have freezer full plus pan of cooked ones - might have another bowl before bed; my bed - I have a beautiful, comfortable bed to sleep in and that alone makes me luckier than many. Sleep well, dear friends xxx 12:24 a.m. - 09.08.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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