annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A la lucha Struggle. Always such a struggle. I have a sense of achievement this morning because I've had a shower and washed my hair, but this is followed by overwhelming shame that a) it's been going on two weeks since I was last clean and b) a sense of achievement over a shower? Really? For fuck's sake. So. I have also gathered up all the dirty clothing and taken it down for a service wash, which gains me another tick, but only a half as I need to put it all away later to be really tick-worthy. IT IS TOO HARD. It is too hard to live a life where everything is so fucking difficult. I so want to be LIVING again. The festival is almost over and I haven't been to a single event. One more weekend - I am determined to at least go to some artists' open houses, but I have been determined on each of the other three weekends and not managed it. There's a tiny voice deep within, crying out for someone to look after me, that this is what I need, rather than to be looking after other people all the fucking time. But it's no good, is it? I'm almost sixty. About time that tiny voice shut up and accepted that there's only me to look after myself and if I can't manage it a lot of the time, that's just the way it is. Be grateful for what I have - so much that I have: family, friends, a beautiful flat in a beautiful street with a view of the sea in a lively city, an allotment, a cat, money in the bank, a car, a yoga class just up the road, a fabulous doctor, a wonderful acupuncturist, a free pass to Glasto. I know that the reason all this doesn't make me happy is not that I am an ungrateful cow but that I have a disease, but I still cannot help feeling shamed by it. Now I'm going to that new yoga class I have discovered just up the road. Laters xxx 12:40 p.m. - 21.05.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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