annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


A bit grim but cheers up as it goes on, plus video of Ant and Dec

So what it comes down to, I realise after writing here this morning, is my brother. Fucking hell.

After Ma died I felt a massive relief that no one who mattered to me would ever speak to me with contempt again and I knew this was true because I only care about and mix with the sort of people who don't have it in them to treat anyone else in a scornful, dismissive manner. But I was wrong. The email my brother sent me in response to my request for a loan was so horrid it made YD cry to read it - I wish I hadn't shown it to her, but I did.

I was sitting here earlier trying to stop myself visualising all my pills in a pile, imagining washing them down, falling asleep and that being that. No more taking out more than I put in, no more struggling, no more fucking tears.

But I can't do it and I won't do it but I want to do it and fury at this impotence builds until I'm pacing about, round and round, sitting down to roll a fag, furious smoking and more pacing and I realise that I am burning up with hatred for my brother.

I know hatred's no use. Nothing good ever came from hating. That was all I had for a while. I went to Sis's as she'd offered me some Valium (what is the status of pills bought legally in Thailand? They look well dodgy in a sandwich bag, that's for sure) and niece was the only one in when I arrived, all jittery and dishevelled, like the auntie from hell, but she was lovely and said I looked like I needed a hug, bless her.

Came home, fortified by hug from niece and a pocketful of downers, tidied a tiny corner of the front room, went to get a takeaway. There was a new homeless guy sitting hunched up under a skanky blanket by the Co-op. I said I'd have some change on my way back, then heard myself, so offered to get him some chips, in fact would he like a pie and chips? He said he'd rather have a sausage (cheaper) so I got pie for me, sausage for him and chips each and gave him the change from the tenner. I wasn't going to mention it to anyone, but I'm doing so here because it changed the way I felt about myself, just for a moment or two, knowing that at least one person was glad to have encountered me and that was A FACT.

And in that moment I understood that this absolute loss of any sense of self-worth was what was new to this episode of whatever the fuck this is. I mean, it's not new to me, but it's been a long time. I've had whispers of it - as mentioned before, there's a campaign to demonise recipients of benefits in the UK and it does make me feel like shit, but I can deconstruct all that, remind myself of the facts, and how this will all be viewed in years to come, and get myself back on track. What I've lost in the past few weeks is any sense that making an effort is worth it, oh man - the walking, the dishes, the food, the socialising, the allotment, art, it's all dwindled away until all that's left is online scrabble and spider solitaire and loathing that flits between the government/bankers/media, my brother and myself.

And I realise that yet again, I have allowed one negative voice to drown out, negate, wipe from memory all the other voices that tell me a different story, and I remember being told about this in the recovery group - we look for evidence to support the negative, distorted thoughts, it's a symptom, not an accurate reflection of reality.

So fuck that. Tomorrow I'm back on it. Starting with the dishes.

This evening while writing I've had the telly on and I want to pay my respects to Ant and Dec for the generosity of spirit of their Saturday night show. They've been giving away holidays to Vegas over the six or so weeks of the series - ach I'm running out of words, but here's an earlier episode which I think Bex might like. Hope it runs in the US

Grateful for: you guys, for sticking with me through all this gruesome shit; hitting the bottom and bouncing rather than crashing; a home, which I will have to fight to keep; love, which is indeed all around and all you need; Bloke, poor fucker, who has earned his bird-watching break

Sweet dreams xxx

9:29 p.m. - 06.04.13


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