annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Still here, just. As low as I've been for a very long time. Zero self-motivation, stupid mad dialogue in my head based on brother's email (I brought all this on myself, I don't deserve any help, I'm a manipulative selfish liar etc etc). How to drown this out with affirmative words? Don't know. Harder still today as a new tenant is moving in and there's endless chat and laughter and thumps and bangs, putting me on edge and increasing my sense of exclusion from the happy world of other people. Food has gone out the window. Kitchen piled with dirty dishes and rotten food, piles of chip wrappers, shameful. I am so tempted to just down every pill in my possession - a mixture of anti-depressants, tranquilisers and paracetamol. Probably not enough to put an end to things but maybe to get me a place on a ward - but that IS manipulative and I can't do it anyway without disrupting YD's precarious stability, so basically I'm fucked for now. Bloke's gone off on his bird-watching holiday, having been persuaded that I am fine, no worries, I'm on top of it all. At the moment it's all about can't and should, which I know is crap - how did I used to get past this? I know I've been here before and did come out of it but I don't know what I did to change things. I really feel like I can't do this any more, but I can only see one way out and that's not an option. There must be another way but I can't see it. I hate being me, I mean I REALLY HATE BEING ME. 2:03 p.m. - 06.04.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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