annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - So the thing is, the thing that has been rolling and churning round in my mind all night - and I mean ALL NIGHT, still not asleep at 7.30 am - is that I thought my brother liked me, loved me even, and he doesn't. And although my intellect can rationalise this - the accusations he makes are factually inaccurate for a start - emotionally I am devastated and I can't (yet) find a way to silence his contemptuous voice in my head. I thought when Ma died that I would never be subject to cruel and unnecessary dismissal of the truth of my experience ever again, and I was wrong. So I have just phoned Sis and am going over to hers in a bit for some sister-love. And writing this I have realised that what I need to do is one of those 'formulations' that we did in the recovery group. For each distressing thought/statement you write out how it makes you feel physically, any further hot thought it provokes, evidence in support of the statement and evidence against. It is important to write these things down and say them out loud, not just let them rattle around in your head. When this has been done a new conclusion can be drawn from the evidence and written, spoken repeatedly until it has more power than the nasty one. I've been this distressed because there's that unloved/unlovable child still lurking within that believes what Bro said, that I am lazy, manipulative, irresponsible, untrustworthy and selfish, that I have brought all this on myself and that I deserve it. But this isn't true. Or not entirely true. I have made mistakes and done bad things but I am not a bad person. I am not unworthy of respect. I'm not 1:56 p.m. - 16.03.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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