annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Still v v v low. Drifting about in my night clothes, trying to make myself do something, anything. Well, at least I'm writing here. Troubled by the conflict between this blog as a dumping place for my feelings and awareness that it's also public place with people who come and read. The narrative arc is well fucked, both in the blog and in my life. By now I should be clawing my way back to serenity - a peaceful old age, based on the wisdom I have accrued over the years. Why is this not happening? Is it 'just' depression - severe, endless medical depression? Is it 'just' grief - so many losses, one after another after another. I read something recently about how the death of a parent, especially the mother, in early childhood leads inevitably to all losses rebounding massively and negatively. Is this just my destiny? ED is getting a new wheelchair, now with a head rest. She has been fitted with a catheter. I CANNOT bear being so useless in the face of this. I disgust myself with the lack of support she is getting from me. Yet I cannot (or have not so far been able to), rouse myself to a place where I can cheer her along, take pleasure in her company while Well, I'm not finishing that sentence. 1:24 p.m. - 14.11.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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