annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In which I am distracted from reciting my sins by a new plan. What I want, more than anything else, is to be strong enough, to find the strength somehow, to be able to make ED's life better than it is. Sooner rather than later. I'm so angry about it all - at fate/life/whatever for her having this vicious form of MS, at myself for making choices I now regret - like taking a flat with nine steps to the front door (I can't believe that it's still less than a year ago that turning this beautiful place down for ED's future health had a whiff of 'martyred mother' about it). As I've written that, the solution has become apparent - I need to move again. Not now, but soon, in the spring, perhaps. At the moment I have neither the energy nor the money, but I will not go on living in a place my daughter cannot visit. Phew - I feel better already. Note - just looked at a few estate agents' sites, instant jitters - not yet. But it's a plan I can get my head round. Last year I was looking for a place at the start of the new academic year, and in a city with two unis, that's a lot of students looking for somewhere to live. No one had time to look after me and my list of requirements. Also, now I'm right into the allotment, I can live without a garden (though a balcony would be good), so I'd consider a modern place with a lift, which I wouldn't before. Bob would just have to lump it - she's getting older now, 13 already, and spends most of her time sleeping when she's not harassing me.l This could be done, with a bit more strength and one of those magical lump sums, which have tended to turn up in my life at very opportune moments. That or a job and the strength to do it. So, today has been about getting my head down, into the inescapable grief, plodding on. I went to the allotment, pretty late in the day, but I made it. Cooked a compromise dinner - a bought peppered steak slice (not great as too much fat in the pastry and god knows what other heinous ingredients), with a baked potato, a mound of cabbage and mashed parsnips from the allotment. Baked plums with creme fraiche. Coffee, spliff, Homeland, Downton Abbey, blog, bed. Him downstairs is watching Downton Abbey now, very loudly. I quite like it. It's comforting to know I'm not completely alone, especially now I'm starting to get to know him. But I hope he doesn't go for Homeland afterwards - I don't want all that 'music to make sure you know it's meant to be scary and tense' wafting up when I'm trying to sleep. Grateful for: an allotment to feed me, body and soul; a blog to generate ideas in; a plan; a warm bed; a good book. Sweet dreams xx 12:26 a.m. - 22.10.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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