annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Friday

3am: take sleeping pill and set alarm
9.30: switch off alarm, stumble to bathroom and back, fall into bed, sleep till
11.30: too late for opticians appt. Head feels thick - first whole sleeping pill for a while as had taken too many, then had to halve them. Dither about till
approx 12.15 when I accidentally smoke a tiny ball of hash in a rollie and don't notice till I've had enough tokes to be quite stoned. I don't smoke during the day in general, and most definitely not when I have to go out. Get twitchy, fail to persuade myself to have a shower (for which I blame Hitchcock, at least in part). Obssess over how to get change for bus when I don't want to buy anything. Not awful but a very long way from great.
1.45 On the bus to acupuncture, too early, but never mind. OK on the bus, even when someone sits next to me, though I don't like it.
2.00 arrive - too spaced out for comfort. early so have fag on pavement, but too many buses and lorries. Go into waiting room which is packed with a couple of ghastly women (I believe the type are referred to as yummy mummies), and their children who are clearly the centre of everyone's universe and all must make way for them. So noisy, so much movement, such braying confident voices, filling all the space. Wanted to walk out, lingered, hesitating in doorway, but caught the eye of J, receptionist, who clearly was responding similarly, so climbed over all the child equipment and huddled in close to her. They left, we sighed, she said fuck, slowly and feelingly, but was otherwise professionally discreet. Had a chat about her current state of smoking/not smoking and her mother's latest adventures with internet dating. Calmed down a bit, but not much. still v stoned
2.30: acupuncture. I always repeat the healing mantra 'om shree danvantree namaha' to stop myself spiralling into ghastly ruminations on the state of things.
3.15; Bus back home. Very crowded and a bit oppressive. Acupuncture has left me even more spaced out - don't want to be crammed into a small space with other people. Get off before my stop. Dither about on pavement not knowing which way to walk. Should be buying food but can't face supermarket. Have coffee outside nice bar, decide I don't have to do anything, wander home.
4.00: Home. YD texts asking me to come to London early enough for lunch with her and Son on Sat. She sounds a bit better, relieved that Son and I are looking after her. Son is doing good caring for his sisters.
4.30: put on TV and collapse into 'Flog It' (cheesy antiques show)
4.40: Bloke arrives. We moan companionably about all the crap - global, national, local and personal.
6.00 we order a curry to be delivered
7.30 He goes home, I slump in front of telly, alternated with wordscarper on FB with LA, which has a lovely rhythm all its own.
11.54. start blog ready for early night, early start in morning.

So - no actual tears, apart from a few when I was trying to get a shower, not too much anxiety - none after acupuncture, but not much actual pleasure or sense of achievement.


11:54 p.m. - 05.10.12

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