annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Day in the life.

I'm in a ranty mood this evening. It seems everything I've heard or watched or read has been so riddled with basic misconceptions/delusions that the world must have gone mad.

The doc says I'm to keep a daily account of 'how I've been'. Perhaps to give each day a mark out of ten, to see where I'm going.

So I'm not writing about cooking at the allotment again, or my visit from Mdog and family, or Son taking ED out for the day, or the state of Bloke these days, just Thursday. Fuck knows what mark Thursday should get.

9am: alarm went off, hit snooze
10am: woke from vivid, almost physical dream in which the failure of the global people's revolution was my fault and everyone shunned me. Therefore woke up awash with shame and self-loathing. Took me over an hour to be able to make coffee.
11am: Made myself eat breakfast, with protein (for energy). Computer won't start, laptop can't get online = anxiety about possible urgent messages I have missed. Can't find my shoes. Really can't find them. Call Bloke for soothing phone call, but he's on the verge of losing it himself as - well, for all sorts of reasons. Counsel him to take a walk on the beach for half an hour and look at the birds.
11.30: set off for Dr's, on bus, too many people, don't like it, anxiety cranks up further, but calmed by eavesdropping on couple in front of me discussing purchase of plates.
12: arrive for appt. She's running 15 mins late, as usual, she takes the time each patient needs. Minor freak out in waiting room as feel very exposed, but read on my kindle and go through list of things I want to speak to her about (cough, statins, anti-depressants, aching legs)
12.15: See Dr - ach, I can't write it all down. It was a three tissue (for the crying) appt. Call from Son which I ignore.
12.45: take new scrip to pharmacy opposite medical centre. Pharmacist wants to have a chat about my meds - side effects etc. No tissue, just a big piece of kitchen roll. Still very confused by conflicting opinions about meds/benefits/risks.
1.15: Leave Pharmacy, call Son. He wants to discuss how taking his sister out made him feel, but I can't hear him on my mobile. Tell him I'll call him later - I can tell he's distressed. The sun is out after days of rain - decide to sit down, have a fag and chill out for a bit. A dog shits copiously three feet away from me and its owner carefully scoops it up in a baggie.
1.30: start walking towards home, thinking I'll get my eyes tested, or at least make an appt. Haven't walked through this part of town for a couple of months - so many indie businesses have closed down and new ones are in place as if they've always been there. Have a bit of chat in Spanish with a Peruvian woman selling some nice leather bags. Optician's of choice closed for lunch. Dither. Decide to have a sandwich somewhere, but carry on walking. Pretend I might buy a new bag, checking them out, chatting a bit. Feel OK.
1.45: go into franchise optician and ask them what I'll have to pay for new lenses or new specs. Cannot for the life of me make any sense of what I'm told, start to unravel, but make appt for eye test tomorrow.
2pm: walk slowly home. Go into vodaphone to sort out my contract but leave without speaking to anyone as can't articulate in my head what my situation is with phone. Buy mugs for allotment for charity shop.
3.10: arrive home. YD calls - can I stay at hers this weekend as she's having a wobble. Say yes. Son phones - he's arrived at grieving for the sister he has lost. Talk with him for long time. ED calls - knackered and inarticulate.
3.50: get computer going, email saying meeting re grandson rescheduled for next Friday, can we all make it? Phone everyone again. We can. Grim prospect - seriously heavy stuff to deal with.
4pm: Bloke arrives, calmer, but still distressed about his dad. Both of us intensely and inexpicably affected by revelations about Saville, about having really known, but not followed the thought to a conclusion of exactly what he was doing.
6pm: He left. Drained. Make dinner, with big portion of cauli, fruit for pud. Watch telly, play spider solitaire, win rate drops to 14%, open and close blog to start writing, watch more telly.
1.10 am start blogging.

So what sort of day was that? I felt good for walking two miles home, however slowly and painfully. Also about making appt and eating healthy dinner. And being supportive to my family. I cried for probably two hours overall, maybe more. I was knotted up with anxiety to a mental extent for another couple (some overlap). I had four cogntitive fails - computer, doctor's, pharmacist, opticians. [five - vodaphone] I spent six hours being mindless and now I've stayed up till 2.30. I can't give that a mark out of ten.

1:10 a.m. - 05.10.12


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