annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Climbing out again

And just like that I'm over the edge and into the pit, scrabbling about on the bottom, trying to find a reason to go on.

Yesterday was grim. A day of drifting with intent from one room to another, almost doing stuff, but not managing anything. It's impossible to understand, let alone explain why a fully grown adult can't get herself dressed, can't make toast, can't wash up.

In the end I took some tranquilisers, lit a fire, which filled the room with smoke (as the wind was in the wrong direction), and sat, feeling like the most useless human on earth.

Today I gave it another shot, but remembered, this is depression. It is real. It needs dealing with, not by berating oneself for one's failings, but by other means.

So, after a mere half hour of building my courage, I called TinyM who will be round in a minute. Together we will wash the dishes so at least the boiler repairman can get in the kitchen tomorrow when he installs the new boiler.

I am not bad, I am ill.

I am fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I guess I'm not alone in that.

Happy Wednesday xx

12:35 p.m. - 27.06.12

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