annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Carry moonbeams home in a jar My GP referred me back to the Mental Health team yesterday, which has given me pause for thought. I conclude this is not because I am losing my grip, but because when asked I answered honestly that I have thought of suicide this last week or so, which I think she has to act on. Perhaps I should have done more than give a terse affirmative nod, because I know I won't do it. When I was sitting by her hospital bed, when it seemed likely that ED's brain had been permanently damaged and that she was gone from us, I knew I could NOT survive the pain of that for either of us, so we would have to step into the void together, there was no alternative. But then that would leave grandson with the most terrible trauma so he'd have to come, and what about YD, our deaths would kill her, so she'd have to come and what about Son? Well, by then even I knew it can't be done, it's madness, madness. So I distract myself, by taking a slow walk round the room, past all the curtained cubicles, eavesdropping as much as a half deaf old crone can do in a noisy A&E. Didn't pick up much, but I glimpsed scared weary people of all ages and rallied a bit. And now, all of a sudden, I'm 58. Yes, fifty-eight. I know, hardly seems possible, does it? Not to me, at any rate. I do want to go dancing. In a field if necessary, in my wellies even. With my stoner-granny pals, who are, sadly, scattered far and wide. But. There's a festival on next weekend that three of them are going to - I've been invited to join them and turned it down as I was having a year off festivals... I am so tempted to just buy a ticket online right now. I'm not going to. I'm going to go to sleep and see how I feel in the morning. But these last minute plans are often the best... 10:39 p.m. - 16.06.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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