annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sing if you're happy this way
Well. Here's the thing. I have been 'dumped' by B (my recent hostess in Italy), for the second time in our friendship, and do you know, it's cheered me right up. Who'd have thought it?
Her actual words were, "i would prefer to go on my own way at this time," but that's just 'fuck off' writ prissy. I don't know what she expected from me, well, I do actually. She, "had hoped [I] would come in a spirit of greater independence and lightness," but bloody hell, she read this blog (and commented, often, so she was reading), where I've been quite clear about having severe depression, anxiety and fatigue. Lightness of spirit is not accessible to me at will - that's one of the key features of fucking depression.
As for 'independence of spirit'. Well. The initial invitation was to stay in her apartment, which was later amended to staying in a hotel a few doors down the road. I arrived in F before her class finished and we met at a cafe opposite her flat. She told me that this hotel was full, so they'd booked me into another one, about ten minutes walk away. Fair enough. But from that point on I hardly saw her, and then only once without the boyfriend. I spent most of my time there alone, traipsing round, wondering why she'd invited me (and paid for me, for fuck's sake), spiralling into a pit of self-loathing, getting more and more tired, less and less capable.
Ah well. The lack of understanding in her email eventually made me angry which has somehow broken my mood and now I do feel a lightness of spirit, so all's well that end's well.
I've managed to make progress on my benefits too, partly fired by this recent reminder that I really am ill. The housing benefit is re-instated, with no gaps, and the incapacity benefit is being sorted. Everyone I spoke to about it was reassuring and patient and generally decent.
And, unbelievably, SIL has been being kind to ED who is currently having a bad episode of MS. This is fucking mega. I can hear it in her voice; she feels safer, less vulnerable. I have no idea what has brought this about, but hallelujah.
It's spring and suddenly there are bluebells everywhere, even in the heart of the city. This is in front of the house opposite mine:
and this is my neighbour's back garden:
Fabulous. And the Bobcat has found a new place to snooze - in a tiny wildflower garden on the roof of another neighbour's shed:
Poorer than usual picture quality as I had to zoom and crop a lot.
Grateful for: being able to feel grateful again; a lighter mood; friends who love me despite myself (I've had loads of phone calls and visits since my return); warmer evenings; the Leveson enquiry still doing fabulous work exposing the sickness and corruption at the heart of our government (though I am sad to have missed the return of Rupert Murdoch).
Sweet dreams xxx
9:46 p.m. - 30.04.12
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------