annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Phew

Oh man. I mean, I know it's not just about the money (money, money), but fucking hell, I'm reeling with relief at my tax rebate (4k!!!), which arrived this morning, unsolicited and undreamed of, just when I was giving myself some hard talk about keeping a sense of proportion and gratitude in the face of having to move house in June and to chose between TV/mobile/internet/car/art classes as at least two of them were going to have to go, and pretty damn quick. And all of that was before son arrived, completely agitated about his own finances as he comes to his final law exams.

What I am kind of stunned about is that I gave Son the last of my capital (which would leave me with a fair overdraft facility so I wouldn't have gone hungry) and actually did have my head in a good place about it. This was helped in no small measure by having read my pal Art's blog last night. He's back to sleeping on a mat in a dorm, eating free food, with not a cent in his pocket and little prospect of earning one, but after his recent adventures he's just grateful to be back in the city he loves, with a homeless programme he understands, and hey, a mat is much, much better than sleeping in a chair.

It's far too easy to feel hard done by in this world. No matter how much we have, most of us spend up to our limit and there's always something - an object or an activity - that's just out of our reach that we can't have, that we see other people having and it seems unfair. Well. It is unfair, but it doesn't really matter.

Having said which, I am so fucking relieved that I don't have to sustain that way of thinking all day every day just yet. That I don't have to move - I can pay my rent for another six months. I can fight for my benefits (which I have paid for through NI contributions throughout my working life) clearly and rationally rather than in desperation.

Above all, Son can get his head back in his books with a clear head. He's a bit fucked up about it right now, but that'll pass. He's the only one on his course that doesn't come from real big money, literally the only one. The rest of them go off for lunch in Michelin starred restaurants while he eats the packed lunch he made himself. He doesn't complain about this - he mentioned it once at the start of the course and only brought it up again today, after the cheque had come in and we were all relieved - he lives a fucking frugal life and it's still not enough.

I hadn't realised how much that was eating my head until it's all been suddenly wiped away. So thank you universe. In fact om gum ganapatayei namaha, which I have been saying to myself as well.

Now all I have to worry about is whether or not it's my duty to intervene in Elder Daughter's marital relationship, which sounds unlikely, but maybe it is as she has diminished mental capacity and I don't think SIL loves her any more. Maybe he does and is just out of his depth with the sudden and serious changes. He's not very nice to her at all - undermines her, criticises her, shrugs off her attempts at closeness. If it was just her legs that had slowed down, I know for sure that her relationship would be her own business not mine, however I feel it, but in these circumstances I'm starting to think something needs to be said. If he wants to go, he should be given the opportunity to do so gracefully, rather than staying with her just to avoid the shame of leaving, full of resentment which spills out onto ED and GS. She wouldn't need half so much support from me if she didn't have him dripping scorn over her on a daily basis. Oy.

She'll be here in the morning. Her sister is having GS for the week, so me and my girl are going to have a nice restful few days without a small boy to keep occupied. That's the plan.

Sweet dreams xxx

12:00 a.m. - 01.04.12

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