annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Meh

cainer on Gemini:

Once, things were one way. Before that, they were another. What are they bound to be before long? Different again! How then, can you sit there with a straight face, projecting into the future some idea of permanence and consistency? Much of your current angst stems from an effort to anticipate an event that is really best left to unfold as it will. Worry less, trust more and work on the assumption that what's changing now, is going to change in the right way, for the right reasons. And you are going to change with it.

Easy enough for him to say. I'm not going anywhere tomorrow, except maybe to the post office, to send off the form asking for the seventh cavalry to be sent in to save my grandson. We were mingling with friends and family this weekend and the concern for his well-being is universal amongst those who spent time with him. Most forcibly Son, who came down full of intent to do major uncle-ing, but was undone by GS's closed down-ness. These are terrible sentences, but unlucky. Son was vehement that GS is weighed down with feelings about events in his life that are way beyond his ability to articulate, even to himself and that action must be taken before he explodes. I am overwhelmed with fear and grief and guilt, but I have to act, I have to summon up the womanliness required to set things in motion. M helped me go through the form and wrote in the boxes in pencil, for me to write over. She was a bit shocked that the school handed it over for me to do alone as it's a) very distressing and b) not always clear what kind of answer is required. All I have to do is over-write it in ink. I can do this - I have to do this, it doesn't matter how I feel as I'm doing it, what matters is that it gets done.

Then I'm going to bed and staying there and you can't stop me.

For reasons I don't want to go into, any temporary sympathy regarding my SIL has entirely vanished, to be replaced with even deeper ... ach I don't want to name it, it's so not what I want to feel about anyone.

And fuck this sunshine in March. 18C in March is just weird and scary and will only lead to fucked uppery amongst plants and birds followed by torrential rain all summer.

Laters xx

12:35 a.m. - 27.03.12

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