annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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As time gets harder to outrun

Well, the bloody bastard benefits lot cancelled my medical today, with 50 minutes notice. Apparently one of the team, a crucial member, had been taken ill. A letter with the date of my new appointment would arrive between seven to ten working days. I lost it completely for a bit at the thought of this endless stretch of not knowing where I stand, then realised it must have been a hoax call [I know] and rang the number back. When the guy answered, very grumpily, "At0s medical," I started gibbering at him until he said they'd reschedule it for earlier than that. Another call a bit later from a woman - it's this Saturday. Saturday! For fuck's sake.

But somehow I've calmed down about it a bit. From this place of calm I can see that when I'm agitated, there's a belief running underneath my thoughts and feelings, a little whisper, that I'm running some kind of scam here and that I'll get found out and punished and made homeless. Whereas from here I can see that half the time I'm irrationally, disproportionately anxious about - well, about anything really, whatever comes to hand, and that this is a fucking illness and everyone knows it - I have a letter from my GP saying I have "a long history of severe depression and anxiety," with current stuff she describes in medical terms (including anhedonia, which I like the sound of, if not the experience). And I have a fucking posse of professionals - but enough. I do not need to justify anything or continue to ruminate about it.

I had more to say but it's gone.

12:58 a.m. - 08.03.12

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