annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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A lazy bastard living in a suit

Well. Went to bed at eleven last night, woke up at one this afternoon and still feel tired. I know the plan is to take it easy for a few days but donít really know what to do with myself apart from sit around in my jimjams and smoke lots of fags. Shattered. And very low on Rizlas, so will have to go out at some point, hence writing here in Word first, so I can just upload it when I get on the wifi somewhere, rather than trying to write in some crowded cafe where the sun is either in my eyes or on the screen and I canít have a smoke when I need a little ponder on a thought or a sentence.

This last week of visitors was both great and awful. I had one moment of peace and loveliness late at night, when I came back from the bathroom. I peeped into the bedroom where I could hear ED, Grandson and F, all breathing the heavy deep rhythms of sleep. In the front room, YD and M were both in bed and engrossed in their books. All good. Not great that my best moment was when theyíd all shut up, but there you go.

The hardest part was being with ED amongst others. Usually itís just me and her, at her place, with GS at school and SIL at work. We get into a groove bumbling around and itís easy not to notice how she is. When other people are with us, especially articulate, argumentative ones like M and YD, thereís no escaping the fact that my girl, my lovely bright smart-arse daughter, has early onset dementia, or something equivalent. She bursts in on a conversation, reciting the names of her cousins, proud that she can remember them, as if this is evidence that her mind is fine. The mind that studied Ancient Greek and Latin, that played four suit spider solitaire and got it out more often than not. She kept asking what her brother was doing these days and each time was amazed and impressed that heís doing a law degree, as if it was news, again and again and again. I have never in my life had to struggle so hard not to break down and weep a vale of broken-hearted tears. I succeeded but the trouble is if youíre squashing one emotion into a corner, they all go, and thereís no access to any of them, just a blank coping, holding on kind of vibe.

And her grandmother died. After the false announcement of her passing a while ago, ED was determined to spend time with her while she was here, so we called Auntie L, only to discover that Nanny was in hospital, at the end of her days. I took her to the hospital, the same one, the same ward, that Ma had been in, the same fat seagull squawking on the window ledge, all almost exactly as it had been two years before - a tiny frail old lady, half way between this world and the next. She lasted till Wednesday, but then she was gone.

So, that was last week. This week is new, fresh and ready to be dived into with an open mind and a hopeful heart. Apart from Thursday, when Nannyís funeral is taking place amid all sorts of complications between EDís father and her uncle (the latter saying he will kill the former who has ripped him off to the tune of thousands of pounds, and Aunty L saying sheís having the police called just in case), and difficulties with transporting ED as SIL refuses to take a day off work, and all shades of difficult shit, but none of it really my responsibility. Though I will go along to pay my respects to the woman who was my mother-in-law for a few years, and my daughterís grandmother.

Grateful for: peace and quiet; sunshine through my windows; surviving this far; my beautiful home; another day.

Love and hugs xxx

4:24 p.m. - 19.02.12

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