annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Boring myself now

I'm fed up with feeling like this, fed up of writing about it, fed up of not being able to think of anything else to say except I feel like crap. I have so much had enough of fucking depression. Today it feels like a dead weight dragging behind me, making any action almost heroic in the amount of energy it requires. Which is one way of saying I've done nothing today, since getting back from acupuncture at about two, getting into bed with a hot water bottle and waking up at seven. Ach, writing it down, I can see that it's just a few hours and I have managed to open this page and start writing, even though I didn't want to be gloomy, so not the end of the world. There a word for that kind of thinking, I remember - well, I remember there is a word, but not what the word is. It was on a list we looked at in group. Distorted thinking - ten types of, or something like that.

I'm a bit worried tonight about Elder Daughter and Grandson's visit next week. I will be needing to summon up my inner hard-core Mum/Granny combo - in fact, I won't, I'll be needing to have a preliminary chat about everyone pitching in. We all want to sleep in a warm comfy bed, eat decent food and not have to be falling over stuff on the floor, so we'll all have to do what we can to make that happen. It seems impossible to think that I can be making beds and putting them away and cooking meals and washing dishes and keeping the floors clear, let alone show daughter a good time and inspire her with what she can do from the comfort of her wheelchair. And GS, he'll be wanting a laugh and a run around. Ah well. It'll probably be fine.

Grateful for: getting the boiler back on, though now I'm scared to turn it off; having plenty of coal and logs; beans on toast; not feeling sad, just weary; sleeping pills

Sweet dreams xx

1:04 a.m. - 09.02.12

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