annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not edited, not good Weird day. Achieved a lot physically (20 mins yoga, tidying, hoovering, acupuncture, eating quite well), but cried through most of it, grieving for my beloved darling Daughter and what she's lost, what I've lost, what we've all lost. I'm not going to write about it, I don't want to talk about it, just record that today was a day about Daughter. Gradually though, as the evening's worn on, I've realised that when it comes to mental incapacity I've been where she is myself and I'm not actually that far ahead of her now. I can remember being devastated when her MS diagnosis was changed to Secondary Progressive and dear Stepfie gently pointing out that this diagnosis had already been given, quite a while ago. Even with that reminder I could not access any part of that memory, but when I re-read my blog, there it was, along with all sorts of stuff, both awful and wonderful, that I've forgotten and therefore completely fail to take into account when I make judgements and decisions. But, if not recovered, I am vastly improved and hope to be fully functional. Daughter may well be having what I still like to call a breakdown (the term has fallen into disuse, which is a shame because the metaphor of a car works well, when you think of how they can keep going, trundling on despite years of neglect and all sorts of minor unrepaired breakages, until finally they just won't go. Or well-maintained, as new, comfy, powerful cars can be stopped dead in their tracks by a sudden disaster.) Man, when I think about it, with what I know about the tick lists they use to diagnose these things, both the ones about external events and those about symptoms currently experienced, this is going on as well as the fucking bastard cunt MS. I mean, why wouldn't she? She had her childhood alongside her brother and sister, who have both done time in the psychiatric services - she's done fucking brilliantly to hold out so long, especially with the fbc MS. My baby, she's a star, I tell you. Well, I've been staring at that last sentence for over an hour so I'll fuck off to bed now. Thank you for your support - sorry I haven't been replying, I just can't, but I will when I can. Sleep well, dear friends, love and hugs xx 11:50 p.m. - 23.01.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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