annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Thursday night

Iíve finally realised that not writing is part of whatís making me twitchy and itís been good to discover that. Not so good to notice that Iíve allowed myself to become too accustomed to a particular set of conditions Ė for a while there I was unnerved by Word, with all those acres of billowing white space. Man, I couldnít write there - Iím a diarylander. I write in a little box with all those names down the side, reminding me (without my even noticing till theyíre gone), that thereís loads of us nutters out here, drivelling into the world, calling out to whoeverís passing by, or to no-one. Like, whatever. Who cares, no big deal. Word felt like a big deal all of a sudden, like it was Writing. Which is such a pile of crap Ė I didnít even start here till I was over fifty. Iíve written bollocks in all kinds of forms and situations, so fuck you Word Ė I can write here. I donít need the internet either. Iíve been in the habit of writing a bit, then reading a bit Ė instead of having a fag each time I grind to a halt, and Iíve hated not being able to do that, but I think it was too much change all at once.

While Iím on the subject of writing, I have to say Iím having great trouble with how to refer to the people in my life without naming them Ė and yet again, the answer comes as I write. I was going to use initials, but seem to be surrounded by Mís and Sís, with a fair few Jís. Alternative names are out of the question as Iíd never keep them straight in my head and Iíve been reluctant to assign nicknames as I could only imagine having to somehow distil peopleís essence into a magically and permanently appropriate word or phrase. Whereas all you need is to work out a key feature that distinguishes them from everyone else and never mind the rest. J can become Dog Owner, as sheís the only friend I have who owns a dog, and that dog was for a while almost mine as she spent weekdays at my house, so although she could be Writer or Teacher or Co-Survivor of Angry Teenage Offspring or Drinker, these could be several people, but there was only one dog. I might make it JDog, or even Jdog as itís easier to type and I do hope to have her in my life for many years to come and one capital letter is quite enough for anyone. Though she did piss me off yesterday Ė well not piss me off so much as make me feel weary. Drinking to get drunk.

Bloody hell, Friday morning, food shopping, all the kids are going to be staying, panic stations, but happy panic. Back later xxxx

12:27 p.m. - 23.12.11

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