annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary

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Monday night.

Everything is lovely and I�m completely fucked.
Well maybe not everything�s lovely. What�s not � come on, let�s get it out there, what is it that�s niggling? The strangeness for starters. I mean, yes it�s all very elegant here, in a shabby genteel fashion, but it�s tiring being away from home and I�d like to go back now. Home. This isn�t home. It will be, I suppose. That sounds grudging, because I feel grudging. I know it will be home, I�m sure I�ll like it more than the last place, but right now I just want to go home.
I signed a thing saying I wouldn�t smoke here. What was I thinking? I was thinking this was too good a place to lose for a habit that has nothing to recommend it at all, let alone enough to lose a good flat for. But it�s not a habit, it�s an addiction, and it�s winter. I smoked the first four or five outside on the day I moved in, but then it started to rain, nasty, icy December rain and I thought fuck it, this is my home. If I have to pay to have it re-painted when I leave, I will and meanwhile I�ll open the windows a lot. The front ones don�t open. Maybe they do and I just don�t have the strength, or the combination of strength and nerve. The glass is really old and uneven and I�m scared to exert too much pressure in case I slip and put an elbow through or something. Though they may be painted shut, or just a bit stuck after not having been open for years. The place had the air of a little used pied a terre when I looked round it, so who knows when they were last opened. Meanwhile I�m burning rose oil to try and keep the smell of fags at bay, but feeling anxious about being caught, which is bollocks.
The yellow walls, which on first sight cast a golden glow about the place, I now find oppressive. If you�re going to use the same colour throughout, then white or the dreaded Magnolia are safer bets. The curtains are very practical, being fully lined � they do a great job of keeping out the draughts from those ancient single glazed windows � but they are a dirty sandy colour, which blends with the walls, but gets on my nerves already. I�m grateful to have them � I can�t imagine the cost of three pairs of nine feet long, fully lined curtains, but they are ugly and I don�t know how to jazz them up in a way that will leave them as found for the next tenants.

Tuesday morning now. I just got another fucking parking ticket, because my permit fell off the window. Honestly. I saw the guy writing it, and ran out into the road after him in my pyjamas but he was gone.
I do feel better today, but I shall carry on listing negatives, in the hope of getting them out of my system. I mean, this is a great flat in a brilliant position and it will all be great in the end, but I am disturbed and disrupted and have to hang it on something, so here are some more of the things.
Younger Daughter got a tax rebate and went to Egypt. I hate that � them not being near. She�s due back tomorrow, but going straight to the BF�s parents for Christmas, unless I can persuade her to come down here for a day first. I need a big hug and a couple of hours with her, so that she can start to get on my nerves again, instead of having this glow of being my best friend in the world.
Free wifi is bollocks. I keep going in places that claim to have it, buying a drink and a snack only to discover that the internet is down. So I ask first, am told it�s all good, then it isn�t. Nine more days.
The fireplace is �for ornamental purposes only�. Bah. I�ve put a three sided mirror in the grate and a load of candles, which do look lovely and flicker away in a most satisfactory manner, but don�t give out any heat.

I thought the oven was fan-assisted as it makes such a racket when you turn it on, but last night it took hours to bake a potato, so maybe it isn�t. Which is all very well but I�m due to cook a 14lb turkey in it this Sunday and I am panicking. I found a leaflet in a kitchen drawer about ovens of this make, but it doesn�t include the model I actually have. Need the internet.

The doctor gave me some new tablets for anxiety when I saw her yesterday, but I made the mistake of reading the list of possible side effects before taking one and was too anxious to risk it.
The cat has settled in. There�s a young girl in the flat across the corridor, whose back door opens next to mine and they�ve made friends already. She loves that Bob �chats�.
I think that�s all that�s pissing me off at the moment. Thank you for bearing with me, if you have.
I miss writing here.

2:00 p.m. - 20.12.11

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