annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Living on a prayer

Well, I'm having to use things I learned in group to keep myself steady right now, as at least two of my triggers have been activated by finding this flat, this flat even more beautiful than I'd described in my list of attributes a perfect flat would have.

I know it doesn't have perfect access for ED, but I really don't think, now I've walked so much of it, staring at front doors, that I'd get a properly wheelchair accessible flat where I want to live. Not that Bob could live in. And I'm the one who will live in it - ED comes down when she does and while I'm not prepared to consider a place that she can't get into, nor am I prepared to sacrifice what I need on a daily basis to avoid a couple of minutes of effort (for both me and her) every few months (at most).


Trigger one boils down to 'I don't deserve good things' (in this case a dream flat), and aspiring to them will only end in tears.

Trigger two is 'I'll get found out' - not sure what exactly, as I'm doing nothing wrong but that doesn't ever get factored in - being referenced and credit checked has set it off, big time.

I'm giving them both the cold shoulder. I don't need to write it all out in a 'formulation', with columns headed event (flat), emotion (guilt/shame), thought (see above), evidence in support, evidence against, more accurate thought, new emotion.

I can do all that in a fraction of a second - I know all there is to know about these particular irrational thoughts and undue emotions. They are lifelong companions, though I haven't seen much of them recently. But moving house is always stressful - more so when it's not your choice, and even more so after a summer like this has been. (The summer of the daughters.) Stress is going to manifest itself somehow, and this is how it goes with me.

My job now is to watch these undue emotions from the sidelines and not to get involved with them, as they are bollocks. The guilt is clearly bollocks - I mean, I know I'm pretending not to be on benefits, but I'm not lying about it, I just swerved the question in a legitimate fashion and the landlord only cares about whether I'll pay the rent, which I will.

Deserving isn't quite so simple when you are a lefty, which I am, a loud and proud believer that we are all of equal worth and should contribute according to our abilities and receive according to our needs. That doesn't happen, not yet, though I do believe we're on our way towards it, slowly but surely, two steps forward, one step back. Meanwhile more than half the world still go to sleep wondering if they'll make it through the next day for the lack of reliable clean drinking water. So, no, I don't deserve to be in a better situation than most people, no one does. But nor do I deserve to not have a pretty mid-level standard of living in my society. So it's not about deserving, and I need to stay away from comparisons because me martyring myself and getting all knotted up with guilt over the plight of the poor benefits precisely no one. I had long arguments with H, my CPN, about this and her line was always the same - the one about parents putting on their own life-jackets first - you're no good to anyone if you don't make it. I will of course need to put my money where my mouth is when I'm settled and steady, and get stuck in to some volunteering, which I will.

Big amounts of distraction are also called for, preferably useful ones. Today I sorted out my finances (in principle), took two massive bags of washing down to the laundrette for a service wash and put it all away when it was done and had a big tidy round. I have loads of little tasks to be getting on with now, like getting rid of half my books.

One of the things that has helped when I'm arguing with my demons has been the support I've received both here and on facebook. I love that people from such varied times and parts of my life have made the effort to wish me luck at precisely the moment I needed a bit of external validation. Thanks guys, a big heartfelt thanks!

Sweet dreams xxx

9:06 p.m. - 10.11.11


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