annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spend a little time with me Sometimes this tiredness scares the shit out of me - I feel I must be dying of some undiagnosed disease. I have history of misdiagnosis - my ectopic pregnancy was treated as appendicitis and when I complained that it hurt more after the op, I was told to pull myself together as they'd had small children make less fuss. The acupuncturist today said I'm not dying (not any more than the usual, at any rate), that I have "some surface energy but the foundations are still seriously depleted," which I try and hang onto, as the doctor has nothing to offer now all those tests have come back clean. It would have been better to come straight home after my acupuncture session but I got a fixation on buying a few last luxury items before I go onto a proper tight budget for the foreseeable future. I'd like to think of it as a commitment to my confidence in a secure future, but in this post-spending period I'm having a wobble about it. I bought a new pair of sheepskin slippers (wild thing), tickets for this Friday's 'Best of Fest' night in the comedy festival, and some of the expensive rose-scented shower stuff that I gave Ma for Christmas just before she died. I found it unopened, reclaimed it, liked it and have eked it out for eighteen months. I can go back to supermarket own brand, at 5% of what I paid for this, but I'm not quite ready to give it up just yet. The only things I was planning on getting that I haven't are a sewing machine and a good waterproof coat. No idea where to start on the coat. I want something that will last - this is my commitment to having the energy and the desire to walk in all weathers, which WILL return. My daughters are both well. I'm still living on tenterhooks to some extent, which is not great, but ED can see an end to her confinement, she can see possibilities in front of her, doors opening instead of closing in her face all the time. The other one has been off for the weekend to meet her new BF's parents, and to spend the night in a proper tent on a sandy beach, with a fire. We had a lovely long chat on the phone - she wanted to share her happiness (no puking signs at the back there, I can see you). She even told me what she's thinking about for her Beckett essay - she's fired up in all areas - hurrah for that. I blame Beckett for her mental disintegration last year - if you're not feeling great to start off with, plunging into that great lake of hopelessness and isolation has to be a major contributing factor to falling right over the edge. In which cheerful note I shall fuck off to bed. xxx 8:40 p.m. - 10.10.11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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