annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you I'm half watching a documentary about Pink Floyd - man I put up with some shit when I was young. How many hours of my life were spent waiting for 'Atom Heart Mother' to end so I could put on some Led Zep? I'm a bit frazzled - just blurted a whole load of stuff on that closed MS carers page - well, not on the page, in a private message, after being invited to do so by someone kind who'd imagined correctly that I needed to rant. Now I feel terrible for pouring it all into her inbox but can't take it back and don't want to embroil her in the web of neurotic apologies that are pounding in my head. (See - that's what all that jangly music does to you.) The people active on that page are all partners of people with MS, and I can't open my heart to let any of them in right now, though they are opening theirs to me, some of them. I don't know how to only care a little bit - either I do or I don't (this contributed in no small part to my downfall as a teacher). As well as all the good stuff, this world is full of pain, full of it, terrible stuff happening all over the place right now, and I can't bring myself to invite any more up close to me. This sounds meaner than I judge it to be - it's self defence as I feel myself moving towards the Pit of Doom, and I ain't going there again, not if I can avoid it. And I can. Avoid it, that is. I'm in the habit of monitoring myself and taking appropriate action to restore equilibrium. Utterly fed up with it - so keen to just bloody live instead of all this fucking managing myself, but that will happen when life calms down (hollow laugh). Tomorrow there's acupuncture, the next day art classes resume. On Wednesday I'm going to make myself look as mainstream as possible then go round all the estate agents who accept tenants on benefits to see if I can get them to actually tell me about a suitable flat when one comes up. So that's two healing, soothing things before I have to exert myself again. YD and I have taken up singing since the workshop. All the way home in the car and during the ad breaks all evening. As she's plotting this drag cabaret act, she's practising songs entitled 'I'm Your Man' such as those by Leonard Cohen and Wham. Just as well we're moving soon. Grateful for: feeling more cheerful at the end of this entry than I did at the beginning; being at home on my own sofa with my own tiny cat; YD having plans; the kindness of strangers; the kindness of friends Sweet dreams xx 12:00 a.m. - 19.09.11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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