annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel so broke up, I wanna go home I can't believe I came charging up here on Thursday, full of determination to get ED out of the house and out of the doldrums and absolutely forgot that I'm still meant to be 'pacing myself'. Yesterday was just too much - too much physical, but also too much emotional. ED talks about leaving SIL every time I see her (she starts it, honest - I wouldn't push her into a decision that big, no matter how much I want to), and it's SO hard to listen to because it's the same stuff every time, except a bit more and a bit worse. She still has hope that he'll change, which I don't share. I mean, he might change, people do all the time, but change tends to be unpredictable and not necessarily convenient. Now YD is here too and she's a bit manic - full of ideas about starting a business and developing a drag cabaret act and her next art project and I don't know what else. So she's yabbering away in one ear while the other one forgets everything she's said, so says it or asks it again and again and again. She couldn't remember that we were going to the singing workshop, she just knew we wouldn't be home at some point and kept asking when we were going out and why. I keep myself afloat by believing that these cognition problems are part of an episode of MS, but it's been going on for fucking months and sometimes I have searing flashes of fear that my ED is gone forever, which doesn't help anything actually. Though she's still smart and funny as well as being slow and vague, all just ebbing and flowing. Terrible for her. The singing was good - the girls both loved it, but I lost it half way through and could suddenly hear my voice, really loud and deep and out of tune and although we'd just been talked through all the whys and wherefores of singing, I couldn't relax and breathe into it. Too tired and I just wanted to go home, home to my house and my little bobcat and my big bed, not this bloody airbed on the floor and that naughty mouse-catching giant ginger cat and too much hard hard stuff. They're going to come down to mine next weekend, which will be better, I think. Grateful for: my health; delicious custard with pudding tonight; YD cooking dinner while I lay on the sofa and watched Celebrity Masterchef and found myself liking the actor who plays boring bloody Tony in Hollyoaks; art class starting again this Tuesday; the airbed, which is far more comfortable than the sofa. Sweet dreams xx 11:51 p.m. - 17.09.11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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