annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Yadda yadda

Bad day so far. Emerged from one of those dreams where everyone despises me and I'm shut out of everything, peering in watching all the love and laughter but not allowed too close. Horrible.

Not helped by the fuck up with this diary and feeling out of touch with everyone. Or having written a long entry last night about the latest pile of poo (Housing Benefit being revoked by higher power than friendly girl, now I need to Explain Myself and all my financial decisions since the year dot) and then losing it before I'd posted.

All my teaching pals are back at work and back into the grind of spending one day of the weekend marking and planning, the other catching up with domesticity. Friends slide into the background, down the to-do list. I did this too when I was teaching - there are only so many hours in a week, but now I can only have a few hours here and there till half term and it hurts.

The situation is not helped by the fact that I ran out of sleeping pills (to which I have become addicted), having given them to Younger Daughter (YD) on too many occasions this last month. I realised earlier in the week that I wasn't going to have enough to get me through to my next GP appt this Monday, and rather than do the sensible thing - make an earlier appt - I tried to wean myself off them by taking half a tab for several nights then none last night. At four in the morning, still awake, I took a Valium, and now here I am, shaky, weepy, achy - all the usual suspects, yawn, bored of this, honestly enough already.

I should be feeling - oh god, can't believe I wrote 'should' about feelings - don't I know better than that? Obviously not. OK, I wish I was feeling more positive, as YD has had a few very helpful meetings with support staff at her uni and is now very optimistic about returning to her course this term. She has been offered a place in halls, usually reserved for first years, which is a great solution to several of the potential problems she may face as a returning student with mental health problems. Much better than her commuting from here.

ED has got a friend round and they are planning on going for a walk across the fields in the wheelchair. She is taking initiative. This is a good thing. Why aren't I feeling relieved and pleased that my girls are moving out of the dark place? I am, but it's buried under a huge mountain of despair.

Some of it is about politics, I expect. The bollocks that is being talked by people who should know better is enough on its own to crush the spirit of any right-thinking socialist.

Sorry this is yet another in a long, long line of miserable entries.

Grateful for: Andrew sorting out the problems with my page while I've been writing; feeling a bit less weighed down for having a rant; my physical health which improves all the time; colder weather = more windows closed = no neighbouring cats coming in and pissing in the recycling; tomorrow is another day.

Happy weekend xxx

1:52 p.m. - 2011-09-10


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