annanotbob2's Diaryland Diary


Mellow yellow

I've had two very healing, beautiful days, but I've not been conveying that because I've still not got this page sorted how I'd like it and have to confront the fact that all the html I once had has dissolved into the mist. That's not strictly true, I can post pics and make links and I have managed to get comments on here, but not the same ones as they're not taking on any more peeps.

Anyway, bollocks to that. I don't know how long I'll have being on my own at home, but I'm feeling the urge to put some kind of structure in place that I can claim as my own during future visitations. So alongside a huge amount of lounging around in my big comfy bed, I have been taking steps out into the world.

A few weeks ago I had a text from K, inviting me to come and celebrate his 50th birthday in a pub on a Saturday afternoon/evening. I haven't seen him since the last session of the 'recoverer's group' we both attended for almost two years, which is now eighteen months ago. He's the only one I'd like to see as he was the only one who seemed to be as keen as me to get this mental health shit over with, and to hold onto recovery as a viable, realistic possibility. We're friends on FB and have had a few little communications but haven't actually met up. I'd vaguely thought of dragging M along as he's looking for lurve (K and M are both gay men who don't know each other, and while I can't imagine them together, who knows what friends K has...), but when I looked at the text again, I realised it was for later that day and M was working.

I'd thought I'd do nothing at all on Saturday, but I gradually decided to go to the pub to meet K and co alone, which may not seem that much, but felt it. I know I'd been invited, but I was aware that this was via a mass text to virtually everyone on his phone and he wouldn't really be expecting me to turn up. But he wouldn't mind, or I'd have been removed from the mail out.

That's how it went, back and forth in my head, but it was easy, vague, not stressful. I kind of expanded into the pleasure of not having to take anyone else's needs or opinions into account, into knowing I could change my mind at any point and it wouldn't matter at all, not to anyone. Fabulous. I mean, I do know that this pleasure in solitude is a consequence of a total lack of it for too long and that it can wear very thin, but for now I'm loving it.

So I went, into the city on a Saturday lunchtime, to a busy pub and sat and chatted with people I'd never met before. Yay - go me, etc. I only stayed for less than half an hour (which includes a five minute speed-smoke outside on my own), because actually I am knackered and have fuck-all in the way of small talk, but hey, I made it. K was pleased to see me, in fact kissed me on the lips on three separate occasions - the first time I've kissed pierced lips. (Meh.) He's looking good, is K. We had a bit of chat before someone else who didn't know any of the others turned up and before I left we made an arrangement that I would contact him when my art class restarts, as that's in his building. I hope it works out - I'd really like to have a friendship with him. He's a good guy and I need a recoverer in my life as I creep back into the world.

I was really tired after that, so I decided to be a bit demanding and called S to ask if he'd like to cook me dinner, which he did. Ha ha - go me again.

Today I stayed in bed till about four then drove over the gorgeous, golden hills to my lovely gym, which I have neglected for a whole bloody year, and did a yoga class. Most of it anyway - I laid down for the second round of sun salutes and only did a short king pigeon, but my body feels so grateful. Back I came, over the beautiful hills again, with the sun setting over the sea, into a parking space just outside the front door and reheated leftover's of S's meal.

Feeling pretty mellow.

Elder daughter has been on the phone and I hope I have persuaded her to accept D (a neighbour)'s offer to take her out anywhere, almost any time. There's an MS therapy centre near her, not as good as the one near me but it still offers all kinds of treatment like physio, massage - I can't remember what else but it's all free, so maybe she could go there and check it out. Or she could ask D to take her into work one day to actually see what kind of mobility issues there are and whether or not they can be managed.

Younger daughter has also reported back. She's not great, but has managed difficult situations brilliantly. Found herself uncomfortable with her college friends in the pub so extricated herself. Into the mayhem of east London on a Saturday night, which freaked her right out, but she got a cab home, texting me en route to see if I'd be awake and available for reassurance when she reached home. Good work. Today she's been tired, but steady, painting and drawing in her room.

If you have a prayer to spare in your heart, please send it towards my two lovely daughters, doing their best against horrible health problems.

Grateful for: a sense of peace and optimism; furry slippers on a chilly autumn evening; the cat not snoring in my ear for once (just checked, she is still alive); having a blog to blog in; having the oomph to get myself to yoga again at last.

Sweet dreams xx

9:12 p.m. - 2011-09-04


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